Keeping Myself Amused

Who we are

2012-01-12T09:21:00.000-06:00

There is nothing you must be and nothing you must do. There is nothing you must have and there is nothing you must know. There is nothing you must become. However, it helps to understand that fire burns, and when it rains, the earth gets wet.

--Zen Saying

Jenny Trapp, You Rock!

2012-01-10T09:32:00.025-06:00

Pretty in Green!

One of my newest obsessions is the website Pinterest. It allows you to create virtual pin boards, or vision boards for collecting, categorizing, and curating images and ideas from various websites. It’s a little daunting to get started with, but after you jump right in, it can become a little compulsive if you’re not careful. I love it because it allows me to collect really cool shoes, without losing room in my closet or dream about dresses for occasions that have not come up...yet...

One of my favorite pinners, is a woman I came across when I first started on the site. I fell in love with almost everything she discovered. Recipes, clothing, shoes, buddhas, belly dancers, you name it…she’s got it covered. In fact, I had to ‘unfollow’ many of her boards because she is so prolific. If I didn’t, I would open up the site and it would 100% Jenny, all the time.

Now I’m not complaining because she has great taste, and picks really interesting images, and has a great eye for a variety of images and styles that appeal to me. She is also wonderful at categorizing everything she finds. Currently she has over 33,000 ‘pins’ on her page in 72 categories, or boards as they are called. How do I know this? Well Ms. Jenny, I’ve been watching you…in fact sometimes I love to just wander around your pages for my own creative inspiration. If you’re new to the site and want to see how a pro collects images, you should check her out. You don't have to worry about getting lost on the site, you can just get lost amid all the prettiness she's already picked out!

Cutting ties

2012-01-10T09:00:00.001-06:00

Getting laid off is a bit like announcing you have cancer. Some people just nod their heads when you tell them you are okay, although you can see their inner dialogue is saying, “poor dear, I hope she makes it through this”. All attempts at explaining why this is a good thing in your life fall on deaf ears and your ability to have a normal conversation seems to evaporate.

If you’re the survivor of lay offs, I understand the reluctance to talk with people who went through that experience. Perhaps there is a fear that the lay offs are contagious, and they will be next, maybe it is a renewed focus on work so that there is no excuse to put their position on the line. In the back of my mind though, I had hoped that after working with some people for ten years, I would at least get a phone call…or even a lunch date. Something to acknowledge all the long hours we worked together and the projects we struggled on. Even if it is for closure on both parts.

I’ve only received a couple of emails. Brief, polite almost a cursory attempt at acknowledging my empty desk. Last week, one former co-worker saw a job announcement she felt would interest me. Instead of sending it directly, she sent it to someone else to forward onto me. As if an intermediary would ensure that she would be unaffected by any contact with me. In comparison, I’ve run into other people in the office who openly smile and embrace my presence.

It hurts, this avoidance, but it also drives home the fact that I was in the wrong place for far too long.

Hello old friend

2012-01-08T09:09:00.005-06:00

I was a bit late for my family's Christmas celebration this year. We hadn't set any specific time, but my original plan to come down after lunch was sidetracked a bit because of an unexpected visit from an old friend I hadn't seen in 30 years. My niece, upon hearing this news, remarked that it wasn't possible because, after all, I was just 29! After explained that I fudged a bit on my age and was only 9 while in high school <wink>, I then confessed that I was 39 and started talking about my friend from high school and what a wonderful treat it was to see her again after all these years. Although I have always treasured my wonderfully eclectic and diverse group of friends, this past year's events reminded me of the most important lesson from 2011.

#1: Connections are important

Words cannot express how grateful I am for all the wonderful people in my life. There was a time in my life where I really didn't have any close friends. I was young, and working crazy hours in retail management. My evenings, weekends, and holidays were occupied with putting out fires, dealing with employee issues, and trying to figure out life as an adult. I had quit college, one year shy of my degree, and found myself in a job that was challenging, and for the most part fulfilling. Each year, over the holidays I would work furiously through the Christmas rush until I would literally fall over on New Year's...in part from exhaustion and in part from my body finally taking a breath. I rarely had plans for that holiday, or most other events, because I didn't make the effort to spend time making and keeping friends outside of my job. At one point, when I realized that the company was in financial troubles I finally took a step back and started to question how I wanted to spend my time going forward. I missed close friendships, and the ability to explore and play. I also missed learning, and for the first time in ten years considered going back to college and back to Austin, which always felt like home.

I made some crazy (and brave) decisions that year that changed the course of my life and brought me to where I am today. The biggest goal I set when I made that move, was to never put my friendships to the side. When I look at all the lovely, wonderful people who grace my life on a regular basis, all I can say is 'mission accomplished'.

"We are creatures of community. Those individuals, societies, and cultures who learned to take care of each other, to love each other, and to nurture relationships with each other during the past several hundred thousand years were more likely to survive than those who did not."
-Dr. Dean Ornish, "Love and Survival"

I made this as a gift to my friend Teri in high school 30 years ago. What's even crazier than her keeping it all these years if the fact that I attempted cross stitch as a teenager ;-)

For all of you who have been a part of my life this past year, I am eternally grateful. I realize that I am wealthy beyond measure because of all of you. I know it starts to sound like a sappy commercial or Lifetime movie but it is true. And the best part of this past year has been the ability to spend time with people with whom I choose to spend my time. I've had some crazy, fun, escapades and some wonderfully warm and tender moments along the way. I look forward to seeing what 2012 brings me, and I want to bring all of my friends, family and new acquaintances along for the ride!

Joy unbound

2012-01-07T09:00:00.008-06:00

I can close my eyes and remember that exact moment, that experience which by all accounts must be an example of pure joy and happiness. This past year I’ve had my share of moments that illustrate this lesson, but this one stands out…as the perfect example.

#2: Creating community is a gift

I was sitting in the courtyard at Hot Mama’s Café during a Café Shimmy show. My work was done, my solo was over and I had the privilege of relaxing with a glass a wine while the rest of the dancers performed.

Katherine was the next dancer to the stage…or is it the floor, since we never seem to stay in one place? As usual, she has a dancing companion in the form of her daughter, who insists on accompanying her Mother with an impromptu veil routine. This is pretty normal for little A. The first time her Mom danced at the show, she threw her small, toddler body against the glass doors of the café, where she was corralled, until someone relented and let her outside to dance. I love the sheer passion of it, the need to dance regardless of where she is.

Although this is from a different night, I love the joy in Kat's face! (Photo by Valerie Aguirre)

Watching her are several other Mothers with their children, who are performing mini solos off to the side and back of the patio. Kat’s Dad, and A’s grandfather is seated on the front row laughing at his two girls. The stars are coming out, the patio is warm and inviting, and the evening seems perfect. People are smiling, even swooning at the sheer bliss of this moment. This chance for us to enjoy the music, the dancing, and the exuberance of the kiddos playing.

As I sat there, I wiped tears from my eyes…grateful and thankful for this opportunity to witness this moment in time. After the show as I’m thanking people for coming, so many of them remark on how grateful they are that I created this venue, this opportunity to dance and play…this opportunity to indulge our creative spirits.

I hope that when I reach the end, my dying days the moments that I will cherish the most will be like these days and times. I hope that the gift I can give to others is the opportunity to share in a community…whether it is for a moment or for a lifetime.

P.S. I’m looking forward to a new year of shows and events. Mark your calendar for February 4, 2012 for the first anniversary show of Café Shimmy!

Out of the chaos comes creativity

2012-01-06T09:07:00.018-06:00

It's easy to believe that what is pressing in your mind, will be the same for others. If you've worked yourself up over some scenario, it seems reasonable that other people stepping into your shoes will see it the same way. Right? Well, actually....wrong. Here's my next lesson from 2011 that is certainly worth remembering.

#3: Your obstacles may be inspiration for others

I'll admit that I sometimes watch the show Hoarders, not because of some strange fascination with people who live their lives in such turmoil, but perhaps as a way to scare myself straight. For me the stories are cautionary tales of collecting gone wild, although I will admit there is a bit of craziness thrown into the mix. I have several family members (living and deceased) who have some borderline hoarder tendencies, so the show just serves as a good warning and an important reminder to sort, clean, and de-clutter my home on a regular basis. For the most part, I've been fairly good about doing that...if you look past some boxes stashed in closets or the utility room.

That rule didn't apply to the garage. Until this fall, that garage was, in my mind, a black hole of dirt, junk, and oppression. I hated the idea of even going out to find things in that space. Boxes had fallen over, sheet rock and insulation had fallen in, and several lights weren't working properly. I felt enormous shame and guilt over that space. It wasn't always the case, but I had boxes of stuff that piled up over several years. Then, my Father cleaned out boxes from his house and dropped them off at mine. On top of this continued accumulation, I never made time to sort and clean out what was there. Hence the birth of a black hole, and the dismal, dark space that I avoided.

One day, in what I consider a fit of madness, I offered the use of that same space to a friend of mine, an artist, who needed room for a studio. My words were something like: "I have this garage, but it's pretty messy", and her words were:"We'll help you clean it!" I thought she was a little crazy for this offer, but not as crazy as I was for making the offer. I hesitated after making that comment, not because I was worried about someone here at the house, but because of the emotions attached to that space. In my mind, I didn't want her to experience those same negative emotions that I was burdened with.

When I told a friend, who is indeed a wise and fabulous woman, about the offer --she reminded me that the artist wouldn't have the same emotional attachment to the clutter and chaos that I did. That was a light bulb moment for me, the idea that something which hung over me for so long, was not really a shared experience. It was a solitary emotion that I needed to release and vanquish. That conversation allowed me to take a new look at the space and, in a way, metaphorically shine a light on it. Bolstered with my new found courage, I immediately sent the artist a note telling her she could have the space it she still wanted it. She was excited, but I was a little worried.

The first time she and her husband came to see the space, I held my breath. His immediate reaction was to assess how much work was needed...which was pretty short in his mind. Her immediate reaction was to look past the clutter and see the potential of an art studio...bright, open, and inviting. The result? A wonderful lesson for me, a wonderful space for her to create, and a reminder that our burdens and obstacles may be little or nothing to a friend.

P.S. If you want to see more of Greta's art, check out her website and blog. It's beautiful and amazing art!

Gone, but never forgotten

2012-01-05T09:00:00.003-06:00

Today will mark 11 years since my Mother passed away, so in an odd way I think it is appropriate to post this lesson from 2011 on this date. It wasn't intentional when I started writing this series but after I identified the top seven lessons from the last year I realized that this one could, and should, be posted on the anniversary of her death.

#4: Stepping back can give you perspective

Sometimes while we are in the middle of something we cannot see the bigger picture. While I was so wrapped up in trying to maintain a job that was clearly a bad fit for my skills and personality, I failed to see that I had stayed there too long. I actually missed the 10th anniversary of my Mom's death because I was so busy with a major project. I thought about it days later but there was a bit of melancholy when I realized that I did not take even a moment of my day to reflect upon her passing. When she passed away so suddenly I never imagined hitting the ten year mark of that event. There, of course, have been ups and downs for me emotionally over the years. I went from crying all the time with predictable frequency during holidays, watching sappy movies, or seeing friends spend time with their Mothers to crying at the most unpredictable and odd times.

I don't cry much over her death now. It is a like a layer of paint on the canvas of my life. I know it is there and it has influenced who I am to a great degree, but it is less apparent to those who know me. Sure, I think of her often, but it is either with sweet recollections or sadness that she can't be here at this time. What this teaches me about perspective is that when we can get away from an event which is life-altering, and with some time, we are less trapped by the emotion of it all and we can then find the beauty in those moments.

This past year, while pulling out holiday decorations, I pulled out some ornaments that were either a favorite of Mom's or something that she made. Just holding something that she held, or tracing her name, feels comforting and almost nurturing to me. I know that many of my friends experienced loss and changes in their lives, so for me this lesson is not only for me.... but for all of them. We will all be in a different place before long, and taking a step back from the daily frustrations, emotions, and anxieties can give us a glimpse into our future.

Help is yours for the asking

2012-01-04T09:00:00.001-06:00

On my quest to recap the top lessons of 2011, I would be remiss if I didn’t spend some time on a lesson that is many years in the making…and I suppose will still need additional practice. This is a hard one to learn, but this past year has forced me to surrender, let go, and allow myself to be vulnerable. I’m even typing this piece while wearing a baby pink t-shirt, which should be proof that either hell has frozen over or I have mastered some softer skills. Here’s the next lesson!

#5: It is important to ask for what you need

Sometimes I blame it on my hearty, pioneer genes, and other times just on growing up in a family that was centered on being independent and self-sufficient. In any case, I have always been the one that you ask for help, not the one needing assistance. I’m not the girl pretending to be shy, clueless, or weak in order to get help. In fact I’m the girl standing by frowning upon those ladies. My Mom taught me all the basics of household work including sewing, cleaning and cooking. In return, my Father taught my sisters and I how to change tires, use power tools, and mow the yard. And in between I learned how to manage most any situation or encounter.

Even if I am stressed or sick, people still come to me for assistance. I hardly ever think about asking for help on a daily basis, but I’ve come to recognize that instead of this being a strength it may actually be a weakness. For some individuals, assisting others is the gift that they can give. It is a gift of themselves, their time and their energy. And, by allowing myself to be open to help, I not only receive a truly precious gift, but I learn so many things in return…for example, the fact that the universe will help you out when you need it.
My favorite example of this happened earlier in the year while I was pining away for Michael Buble` tickets. However I could not justify spending that much. So, I sat solemnly…accepting that I would just admire him from afar. I had dozens of friends point out that he would coming to Austin and asking if I had bought tickets, but I sat still and endured the tease of an appearance. Until one day at work.

Who knows what was in the works that morning, but for some reason my normally reticent and subdued co-workers were chatty and kept interrupting me while I was listening to Michael on Pandora. At one point I told them they had to be quiet…because they were spoiling my moment with Michael! One co-worker asked if I was going to the concert and I provided my well-rehearsed and canned response on the cost of the tickets.

She then commented about the fact that I, among everyone else she knows, was in the best place to ask my vast circle of friends for help on going to the concert. I thought for a minute and realized that indeed, I had connections and without asking them I would be dreaming of the concert from afar.

Later that night, I asked the universe (in the form of Facebook) for some cosmic intervention, and within minutes received an email…discounts on tickets…literally minutes before the special expired…and proof that when you ask the right questions, you may find exactly what you need. So, later that summer when I sat and enjoyed a moment with Michael (and yes…several other fans), I realized that asking for what you need may bring some beautiful experiences to your doorstep.

The little things do matter in life

2012-01-03T09:00:00.004-06:00

I’ve started off this year by looking back upon the lessons I’ve learned in 2011. After reviewing many events and experiences, I came up with a total of seven things that seem to stick with me, lessons that I want to carry into the new year. So here we go with the next one!

#6: Give back, even when you are in need

On the heels of being laid off, I immediately gained perspective on my situation by just looking around at others. The same day that I was let go in my job, a high school friend’s son was in a terrible accident that left him in the hospital in critical condition. I simply could not muster much self-pity for my situation when I compared it to hers. And when I heard that he had passed away from complications, it made me both terribly sad and also terribly grateful that I still had so much.

Around that same time, another friend…oddly enough from high school as well…was struggling with her father’s diagnosis of lung cancer. He too, succumb to the illness and left her, her sister, and her Mother struggling to deal with their grief and loss. I cried over their losses, and took a lesson from the experience: even if you are in need, there is someone who is dealing with greater issues.

Fall brought stories of tragedy from the fires in Central Texas and Bastrop, and learning that a former co-worker had lost everything in the process. It seemed like the universe was connecting me to personal stories of tragedy as a way to give me perspective on my current condition, which by all accounts, was not that bad. I had financial resources to weather this blip in my career, I had enormous support and love from family and friends and I had the gift of time. Time to not only rest and recover, but also to reconnect and rejuvenate.
So, when I was approached with the idea of a community service project for the Aria Dance Foundation, I loved the idea. Instead of worrying about time in my schedule to coordinate this project I could really spend my time and energy ensuring it would be a success.

In the end, we supplied a Central Texas shelter, called Hill Country Cares, with 65 personal care tote bags for women and kids. Each bag was decorated and filled with all the basic hygiene supplies they may need while gaining some balance and safety in their life. However grateful they may have been for these packages only pales in comparison to what I received in return.

So, my goals for 2012 include another community service project for Aria, as well as volunteer work in my community. I may have lost some income this past year, but I didn’t lose any loved ones. The truth is sitting here today I feel much more wealthy and secure than I did a year ago. And that is a lesson I simply cannot lose.

Lessons from 2011-a look back

2012-01-02T09:44:00.001-06:00

I’m not one for New Year’s resolutions, I like to think of this time of the year as a way to either set goals or reflect on the past year. This time I’m in the mood for refection and started a list of lessons that were important in this past year. So, come along as I share my list over the next week. I have a total of seven, more than a short list but not quite a top ten list. But this is what I want to remember most about 2011.

#7: I Am Resilient

I’ve always suspected that I have an ability to make it through difficult circumstances, but this last year pushed me a bit further. I found myself unemployed, a product of lay-offs in a tough economy and then immediately dealt with a break-in at the house. For many people, these two events would mark a difficult and tumultuous year, but for me they were mere blips on the radar.

From the layoff, I learned that losing my job was not the same as losing myself. Keeping my sense of personal identity was important to keeping balance in the rest of my life. It also served to keep me trusting in my ability to find new and wonderful career opportunities. Losing my job allowed me time to reflect, to play and to spend time on events and with friends. Job loss for me, was a gift I did not ask for but would never return.

From the break-in, I learned that my sense of security is not rooted in possessions or in a place. Yes, a man broke in, by literally breaking through a back door. By all accounts this event should have left me shaken and worried about my safety. However, it just reminded me that bad events happen in our lives. Sometimes we have to deal with those consequences and sometimes we have to accept that we were merely in the wrong place at the wrong time. The robbery taught me how easy it would be to become distracted by terrible actions surrounding me instead of stepping around them and focusing on my happiness and security.
So although I will mention these events in my life, I know they will not define me.

Hello 2012, I’ve been waiting for you

2012-01-01T13:44:00.001-06:00

I dropped, or maybe fell into 2011 tired, emotionally exhausted and sick. It took all my energy to make it through the holidays which felt rushed, stressed and unfulfilling. Work felt like one disaster after another, followed by frustration and many moments locked in the women’s bathroom in order to hide my tears. This was an action that wasn’t uncommon for that office and I wasn’t the only one who sought solace in a closed stall to either dry tears or take a deep breath…not only for the immediate frustrations but also because of the dismal and oppressive culture of that organization.

Now 2012 has moseyed in, calmly and with little fanfare. I am rested, relaxed and happy. I don’t know where this year will lead and right now I’m not so worried about it all. Today is a day to lounge and curl up under the covers. There is no need to take a deep breath to prepare myself for a stressful week ahead, so instead I will take long, slow, deep breaths to welcome in a new year and the next chapter of my life.

For me 2011 represented a year of allowing myself to be vulnerable, letting go, and trusting that the universe has a bigger plan for me. I think that 2012 will be marked by exploration, inspiration and finding passion!

Comfort is Subjective

2011-08-31T09:00:00.000-05:00

If I were a cat, I would spend my days lounging on pillows and every soft spot in my owner’s house. I would seek out the fluffy, soft and squishy parts of everything and then sprawl all over them. My belly would hang out, my paws would trail over the sides of the bed/pillow/ottoman and I would wait leisurely for someone to come scratch my belly and pet my smooth, soft coat.

My cats however, do not share this fantasy. They all spent part of their lives as feral cats, and they now occupy space in this house and tolerate my presence but do not rejoice in it. Instead of lounging, they spend most of their days curled up under the bed, behind cabinets, under tables; anywhere someone cannot easily reach them. I’ve caught them sleeping in the oddest and most uncomfortable spots. Like on a pile of shoes, or in the litter box, or in a box of papers and odd shaped objects. Nothing fluffy or soft.

There are times when I catch them on the bed or the sofa, and when I sneak in just to steal a peek they scatter just like a herd of antelope upon learning a lion is in the area. I set up places for them to sit and sprawl and they ignore those obvious kitty places and instead opt for the less obvious, more uncomfortable ones. Maybe there is a lesson in this, perhaps I should remember not to get too comfortable in any place, even if that place has unending treats and food.

Or, perhaps the lesson is finding the perfect spot that will give you safety and security in whatever form that takes. Perhaps a hard floor is more comforting than the fluffiest of pillows for some of us simply because it is tucked away from prying eyes. And sometimes, the most obvious spots are too vulnerable to fully relax in simply because they are out in the open.

The Writer Waits

2011-08-30T09:00:00.000-05:00

I have always had a fascination with words. I owe this, in large part, to the influences of Aunt Suse. Her real name was Ruth Estella Jean Bailey, my great aunt who was also a writer. Her primary work was children’s books but I think her love of poetry was her writing passion. She published two books, one of which won a children’s book award, which told the store of her father participating in the Cherokee strip land run. She would drive my sisters and me around town, offering us butterscotch candy as treats while she quoted poetry out loud. Her favorite poem to share (or the one I remember the best) is The Highwayman by Alfred Noyes. As an adult I often wonder how appropriate it was for her to tell us stories of Bess the red-lipped daughter of the tavern owner and her affair with a highwayman, but I only remember fascination…not just with the story but the sound of each word rolling off her lips, as if she was savoring each and every sound.

As a child, I was a voracious reader who would go the library and check out stacks of books, only to read and return them within a week or two, hungry for more. I can understand the fascination of e-books and readers for their ease of use, the ability to store large quantities of materials, and the ability to download and read a book almost instantly. However, I doubt I will ever lose the love of holding a book in my hands, carefully turning each page, feeling the crisp paper edges, or peeking ahead in a story just because I’m feeling a bit impatient. Touching a book, whether it is hardcover or a paperback, seems to ground and center me.

Today I read fewer novels and fiction, and more non-fiction and reference books but I still love a story and I feel as if I’ve caught a glimpse of heaven when I walk through aisles of a bookstore or library. For me, this is a visual reminder of endless possibilities, worlds and dreams and people who are within our reach at any given time. On of my first treats after joining the ranks of the newly unemployed, was to head off to get my first library card as an adult. I had to actually visit three different locations before finding one open, however the same happiness I felt come flooding back when I stood in line at the library with stacks of books in hand. And today, feel that I not only write for myself, but also for Aunt Suse who helped fuel this love affair with words and writing.

Renewed Dreams

2011-08-29T09:00:00.032-05:00

I found this fabulous picture on Pinterest, but the original image is here.

As long as I have loved to read, I have dreamed of being a writer. Once upon a time, Good Housekeeping (which my Mom loved) would publish three stories in each of their magazines. One was very short, one was a bit longer, and the third was the longest. Realistically, in a magazine…they were all short stories, but I dreamed of having one of my stories published there. I would even send in drafts, probably at an age where my chutzpah outweighed my sensibilities. I don’t remember what the stories were about, or if I even managed to type them…I just would send them off, and then receive the not-too-surprising rejection letter. It never occurred to me that I may not be ready to write professionally, or that I should have someone edit or review my work. Oddly, despite receiving rejection letters for my stories, I never really felt rejected. To me, I just needed to send another manuscript in, or find another place to share the writing. The idea of rewriting or critiquing my work, didn’t factor into my plans to be a famous writer.

At one point in time, a teacher suggested that I needed better background information or facts to support my stories. After a family outing, I remember thinking I should write a story set in a ghost town in Utah…before it was a ghost town (yes, we did live in Utah, and yes we did visit a few ghost towns.) So, I wrote to some historians to get background information and I must have presented myself fairly well because one sent me packets of information and encouraged me to share my book when completed. It was all so adult of me, despite the fact I may have only been about 12 or 13. However, even with the additional information, I never seemed to be able to weave the magical stories that would make me famous, but I also never fully pursued that dream.

In college, my dreams of becoming a famous advertising copywriter on Madison Avenue were dashed by the reality that I was good at copywriting, but not great. After learning that tragic information (at least tragic to my 21 year old self), I seemed to lose any focus on what I wanted to become in this world. I stumbled into a job in retail that led to 12 years of long hours, little pay and lots of shopping. From there (after a brief stint in which I returned to college), I found that I could translate my skills into the human resources field and poured my talents into data analysis, communication projects, training and workforce related matters. Now, almost fifteen years after heading that direction I still wonder why I didn’t actively pursue my desire to be a writer.

Realistically I know that fiction is not my best genre, and non-fiction holds some wonderful opportunities and prospects but I seem to be filled with more ideas than actions, and that is where I sit today. I want to cultivate a regular practice, but don’t seem to have the discipline for it…yet. I have ideas for books, but haven’t taken the time to outline them and turn the ideas into an action plan…yet. I was sitting on the fence, looking down at a job that no longer fulfilled me, but instead frustrated me, and looking ahead to something better that must be on the other side of the fence. Then the universe pushed me off that fence when I was laid off, and like it or not I'm on the other side. What lies ahead of me is still unseen, but sometimes I just don’t seem to have the tools or the moxie to get there…yet.

Writer's Remorse?

2011-08-28T09:00:00.001-05:00

I start to write and instead of letting the words flow out of my mind and onto the page I start to critique, to analyze and to ask: “What is the purpose here?” Social media, blogs and the internet have so me so flummoxed at times that I don’t know if I should write for something or someone, and if I write for myself what is the purpose? So I stop and I edit and come up with options, more options than I can deal with and then I become overwhelmed and just want to stop. My life is full of unfinished projects and outlines of ideas and plans, but little tangible evidence of all the musings and wanderings of my mind. At times I feel as if I am in a giant word problem where the universe gives me so many clues, but only with extreme focus and hard work will I actually figure out the ones relevant to solving the problem.

Case in point, driving home from work on a daily basis I would think of stories, ideas and plans. Then I would get home, go the bathroom, change my clothes, and grab some food. Poof, all of those ideas would disappear as if they were just part of an exhalation but nothing substantive. Here’s another confession: when I am by myself (or think I am by myself) I talk out loud, in that crazy conversational tone that would lead an observer to wonder if I was off my meds. Each day, in the car I secretly thank the technology gods for making so many types of phones with ear buds. That way, while I converse with the open space in my car, and gesture wildly…people may for a moment, think that I’m on the phone and not entirely crazy.

I’m not afraid of being crazy; there are certainly worse things to be in this world, so I try not to regret the conversations with myself because they are practice runs for all other parts of my life. When I talk out loud, the sheer act of forming each sound with my lips makes me think about how to structure or phrase a sentence that I will write, or a conversation I will have, or allow me to focus on a solution to a pressing problem. I have animated discussions on what to eat, where to go, who to call and I sometimes even allow for commentary on what I’m seeing while driving.

I like to think I’m not the only one doing this. For example, one night as I sat in traffic I watched a young man walk down the street, talking and gesturing to the wind. He did not take any actions to cover up the fact that he was not on the phone, but rather threw himself entirely into the imaginary conversation. I liked that bravado, that willingness to let it all hang out. And perhaps that is why I want to try and write everything down without edits and without a specific purpose in mind. What I write may end up in a blog or a post, and it may not. I just want a way to let the thoughts out, give them some actual form and structure and then allow myself to move onto the next thought, idea or inspiration. And I want to do this without guilt over what I said or didn’t say, or the structure or coherency of my paragraphs. I want no remorse.

Preparing for the Unknown

2011-08-27T09:00:00.004-05:00

Photography by Art-O, the site also has a really beautiful poem.

(Note: I wrote this as a journal entry two months before getting laid off. It is the first of many entries in which I keep asking the universe to get me out of that job and situation. Maybe the universe has a perverse sense of humor or maybe I should have been more specific in my pleas, but regardless my calls were answered and now here I am in a different place trying to figure out my next steps.)

So much to consider and weigh, and somewhere in the past few weeks, (or is it months?) I keep circling back to the notion that I am not living the life I should. It is that same nagging feeling that you get when you take a trip and know your forgot something, or you left the house and don’t remember if you turned the stove off. The feelings and thoughts cannot be simply pushed away, and it feels as if someone is tapping on your shoulder and the tapping gets louder, stronger and heavier until you open up the suitcase to take an inventory or return back home to ensure your house is not on fire. Call it the universe, call it God, call it…a calling, but everything inside of myself screams that I should not be here…in this job…in this house…in this place. That voice, that urging, that feeling tells me I need to start packing, preparing and moving forward. Call it my own rapture of sorts, but it seems as if I need to start taking action on my ideas because it is my responsibility and that someone is waiting for me to get my butt in gear.

So, I shall start. Not at the beginning, or the middle, or the end but rather this place here. I will start to tell my story, to set my course and to move. To where? Not quite sure, but I know that here is not the place to stay, and taking action is the only way I will figure out where “there” is. I must get all of these thoughts and ideas out of my head and onto a page, and as I purge and process all of this I will find my new place, my new home and my new life.

Oprah Confessions

2011-08-26T09:00:00.006-05:00

I have no doubt that if I was a guest on Oprah or invited as a keynote speaker at a major event, I would leave a favorable impression, inspire and uplift people, and make them laugh. They would, beyond a doubt remember me. But now, after Oprah has officially aired her last show, I know my dream of being her guest is gone. I feel silly offering up this confession, especially since I have done nothing, nada, zip, zero, nil…to become a guest on her show. It’s like dreaming of the lottery (which I often do) and never buying a ticket (which I have never done). Although I have invested no time in following that dream, I do not doubt my capacity to complete it. This makes me wonder…if I am capable of all that, or more, why do I stop myself from living out my dreams and pursuing those types of goals. Is it the fact that the potential, the dream of making it happen is more enticing and powerful than the reality of it? Or is it the required hard work and perseverance that becomes the obstacle to overcome? Or is it just me, with silly dreams that sound glamorous and lovely, but are just fluff?

The Stars Align for a New Beginning!

2011-08-25T09:00:00.011-05:00

I received the following in an unsolicited email yesterday, and it’s a bit eerie…hmmm, did someone give the universe my email address? 'Cause I'm wondering if the universe is now just f@*cking with me. Just in case, I will be careful not to trip on Thursday!

Dear Christine,

The stars seem to recognize that August is coming to an end and they're acting accordingly: all the troubles you've had this month will finally end, and you'll be ready for a brand new start!

That doesn't mean there won't be a bump here or there. On August 25, Mars will meet up with Saturn and the side-effects include severe crankiness and becoming extremely accident prone. If ever there was a day to physically exert yourself to total exhaustion, this is it! Try rock climbing, a triathlon, repairing everything broken in the house -- any specific, strenuous task that requires all your focus is a must.

Fortunately, by August 26, everything will start to improve as Mercury goes direct. Technical problems, delays, and communication issues will finally be resolved. Then on August 28, the Sun will shine a gentle light on Pluto, indicating that you've overcome some major problem, learned important lessons, and you're ready to move on. This, paired with the New Moon in Virgo on the 29th, will provide you with an excellent opportunity for new beginnings!

Then, Jupiter will go retrograde in Taurus on August 30, and you'll have a chance to rethink what's truly most important in your life. For the next few months, you'll focus more on satisfying your internal needs than worrying about material possessions.

With all these planetary movements, this is an excellent time to evaluate your current career. Are you satisfied with your career path, or do you feel like you could do so much more with your life?

Ready to write again

2011-08-23T23:31:00.003-05:00

A little more than four weeks ago I was employed, in a job that I once enjoyed but had become miserable, yet I counted my blessings for having that safety and security. Now, after being laid off and recently surviving a break-in at my house you would think I was craving that sense of comfort that the job held. But I don’t. There hasn’t been one day where I wished I was back at my desk, trying so hard to fit in and tone down my personality, my ideas and my creativity. In an organization that had become so focused on compliance, following the rules, and not questioning authority I had become the rogue employee who startled people just with my laughter in the hallways, or my suggestions and ideas.

Two months before my last day at work, and without a crystal ball foreseeing my imminent future, I started writing again. It was a poring out of my emotions and frustrations, and I managed to accumulate almost two months of soul searching before I was shown the door, along with my ten boxes of files and binders that represented ten years of long, hard work. I’ve continued with the daily writing, but the soul searching is less frequent and I feel as though a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders, which it has. I now realize that I was not living a life that was aligned with my beliefs and goals. Unemployment and an uncertain financial future actually seems easier to manage than working in a toxic environment.

That job almost broke me: emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Not in the first several years, when I was challenged, appreciated and happy, but in the last year and a half. There were days in which I felt like I was fighting for my very soul, and in hindsight I was. I’m not sure what the next chapter of my life holds for me, but I’m back on the blogging bandwagon and ready to share some of my thoughts and feelings.

How not to get your chores done

2010-11-11T21:24:00.000-06:00

Perhaps this explains why I never get all the laundry folded and put away.

Persistence

2010-07-25T23:54:00.014-05:00

I never set out to be a cat lover, but some 20 plus years ago a beautiful white cat walked into my arms and into my life and suddenly there I was: instant cat fan. Spaz and the second cat that followed him some seven years later, Calvin, were both strays that I could not resist. They adapted easily to the household and let me pet them, pick them up, hold and snuggle them to my heart's content. Although there were some bumps along the way, I could always count on their affection and company.

My current cat companions did not get that memo. You know--the one about how fabulous it is to be held and snuggled by their owners and to openly give and receive affection. Instead of being strays, all of my current felines were once feral who missed out on the socialization necessary to become well-adjusted pets. At random times they will all run through the house as if they were a herd of gazelles chased by a lion, and after they have knocked over everything in their path I come to discover the source of their panic was a random noise or a book falling off a shelf. It has taken years of work to get two of them at the point I can pet them at will, but picking up and holding my kitties is a gamble at best.

One of the cats, Simone, caught my eye years ago with her long white fur and big blue eyes. She looks like one big ball of fluff and the only thing that has stopped me from nuzzling my face in her tummy is the image of a late-night trip to an emergency room full of bites and scratches. I took her in when she was about 3 or 4 years of age, and that was 5 years ago. Although she has spent more than half of her life in my house, it feels either like an arranged marriage or some form of kitty détente.

She is a beautifully well-mannered house guest. No accidents, no destructive behaviors just lots of love and affection…towards the other cats. Prior to my decision to take her in, if I had known the likelihood of taming an adult feral cat was so slim, I probably would have made a different decision. But, I took her in…for better or worse…and although the majority of time we have little or no contact, there are small glimmers of light.

Right now, she sits perched on the edge of the desk, not so much out of a need for companionship but instead looks dismayed that I came and disturbed her perch. In these rare scenarios, I use every form of bribery imaginable. Treats, wet cat food, catnip, diced chicken…you name it, I'm there. As my reward, she occasionally lets her guard down, and allows me to pet her. On a good day, she'll roll over and reveal her tummy while purring loudly. On a not so good day, she sits tense and anxious as I pet her, just waiting for the moment I will walk away. Last night, she let me have my way with her…and didn't run away.

So, as your reward here is a short clip of Simone (all in white) relaxed and sleepy with Matilda, my capricious little calico sitting on the corner of the desk. Yep, five years of hard work and persistence can lead to one immensely rewarding scratch under a chin.

I'm sure there is a lesson in here somewhere...

2010-07-12T00:15:00.001-05:00

The most simple tasks, at times, can be the most difficult. Or perhaps, what I envisioned as a simple task was grossly underestimated. In any situation, this weekend was a comedy of errors, mistakes and minor bursts of frustration. It all started with a desire to clean, which turned into an idea of rearranging furniture, which then created a domino effect throughout the house. And now, tonight, it looks like the entire contents of a study were thrown up in the living room...which they were.

The expiration date on my computer has come and gone, and although I managed to eek out a year of use beyond my original plans, the last few months have been slow going. That is, in terms of opening files, navigating the web and even turning on my laptop. I hesitated at spending the extra money right now since I've been working on paying off bills but I realized my productivity at home was terrible because of the lumbering speed of my current computer. So, there I was one night...on the phone with a stranger overseas...and yes, he sweet talked me into a new laptop, complete with a 20" monitor. Did I feel guilty, used or a little dirty after our hour-long chat the night before? No, in fact I felt giddy with excitement over the pending arrival of my goodies. The only problem was the space or lack thereof in my study.

The study unfortunately has become more of a catch-all space. So I decided it was time to get the nursery in order for the new baby arriving within the week and set my sights on doing it in one day; Saturday. Friday night, I left work and headed off to IKEA with dreams of a new desk running through my brain. I found it, fell in love with it and happily headed off to the car. At which point I discovered my new desk top was about 4" wider than the interior of my car (who knew?) I tried the trunk (with the fold down back seat), I tried every iteration of shoving it through the door and was almost on the verge of heading back in for a refund when I thought of opening the back windows. With some maneuvering and a little pushing, I finally managed to wedge the desk top in the back seat, and out the passenger rear window. The drive home was muggy, I was sweaty and tired, but thrilled at my resourcefulness.

I opted out of taking a shower on Friday (big mistake) and instead decided to move absolutely everything in my office out and into the living room. I brought in boxes, shoved my papers and other junk inside and laid havoc on my once organized and spacious living room The cats were in shock, I had to jump over boxes to sit down but my desk was safely inside the house and Saturday's plans were set. The only thing left to move was the wooden frame couch that had been tucked into the study for years, and up until recently served as the home for a futon.

Saturday morning, before starting assembly of the desk I decided that bookcases were needed...two more to match a pair that I bought earlier in the year. And that large bookcase that now looked out of place? Well, I decided it would go out to the living room to replace a really bad and beat up bookcase that had migrated there in an earlier frenzy of redistributing household pieces. I also decided that the bare bulb fixture in the study needed a new cover. Off I went, to Target for bookcases and Home Depot for lamp parts. When I lugged the over sized boxes for the bookcases into the car (thankfully fitting in the trunk) I kept thinking they didn't look like the same ones. Same name, same price...but something didn't seem right. Home Depot did not leave me feeling any more cozy. The guy who helped me find the pieces for the light seemed helpful, but I kept thinking his solution was a little sketchy. What the heck? I was tired, hungry and really sweaty at this point and besides...he was the Home Depot guy, right?

Well, wrong. The bookcases were close...but not the same as the ones I had. I wrestled with the idea of going back to the store, but just could not bear another trip out. I thought they were close enough, and the difference will not keep me up at night. The light cover however was tragically wrong, although the size of the bolt was almost there...so close that it made me sniffle a bit. And then, because I love to add drama to any event I decided to make a quick alteration to my original plan and move a chest of drawers into the study to serve as a pseudo linen closet for the bathroom. Off I went to dump the contents of the chest onto the bed, and floor and back I headed into the study. At some point I realized that I smelled, really smelled. Not in the mild perspiration, dewy post-workout smell but rather the OMG I have not had a shower in two days and things are going funky...fast....smell.

But, I pushed my personal hygiene aside and plodded along. That is until I went to assemble the bookcases and realized that although I have a cordless drill that works as a screwdriver...I no longer had the power cord to recharge the drill. Why? Because the men who came to my house in April to fix a simple door had absconded with the charger...not the drill...but the god damn charger! My sweaty state was not helped by the next few minutes of jumping around cursing and my only consolation was the fact that the instructions for the bookcases advised against the use of power tools. Two bookcases and one very sore arm and hand later, I had those puppies in place. Now it was time to move the odd bookcase out...into the hallway...transfer all the books and goodies out of the old one and into the semi-new one. The old one went out to the porch along with the old desktop (which truthfully was a door) and a door from the closet that I choose to remove. Two doors and one bookcase later, I only needed the couch so I could move things into the garage.

At this point, the nagging frustration of my missing drill parts and the light fixture that seemed to taunt me with it's nakedness overcame my sensibilities and I decided to head off to Home Depot for another round of shopping. I bought what I thought would be the solution for the light, and in a moment of sheer inspiration bought another light fixture. I figured that changing it out would be less painful than the current game of finding the right size part (which...oddly enough is called a nipple...and the ones I had were too big...so who says the Universe does not have a sense of humor?????) I also found in another moment of inspiration, a universal charger that promised the ability to charge any size cordless battery. It was cheaper than a new drill, so off I took my sweaty, smelly self.

Despite near-sheer exhaustion, I decided to push through and happily plugged the battery into the universal charger (with a promise of a 45 minute charge) and headed off to fix the light. New hardware? Nope, no such luck. Plan B, replace fixture? Nope, no luck either since I managed to pick up the one and (most likely) only package wherein someone had removed the fixture and repackaged the light cover only. Yeah, that meant another trip to HD in the morning. So, I turned my sights on moving the couch out of the room, down the hall and into the garage outside. One attempt through the door made me realized why that couch had sat where it was for so long. Why? It barely fits through the door and to move it outside would require me moving things out the hallway, from the closet entrance, and from a large portion of the living room where I of course had put all my boxes of....well...crap. Despite my best intentions I still knocked over things, ran into the wall and left a few bruises on my self. However, everything made it to the garage--the doors, the bookcase, and the couch frame.

Now, I could focus on the desk and practically crawled on my knees back to the battery...hoping it had sufficiently charged. What I discovered was that my universal charger did not include my battery in it's universe. All I got was enough juice for one screw and as dirty as that sounds, it was just plain pitiful. Can you imagine me sitting on the floor begging the drill to work just a little harder because I had to set 24 screws in the desk before it was ready. And, at 45 minutes to do one...my weekend task seemed doomed. Undaunted I choose to hit the shower, grab some ice cream (as a consolation prize) and head to bed.

Sunday morning took a turn for the best when I discovered that my universal drill charger needed a bit longer with my drill. Happily, I had all four desk legs up and attached in minutes. I made quick work out of unpacking my new notebook docking station and second monitor and got ready to plug everything in. Until I realized that there were only two plugs in the entire study (okay, there are three...but one dates back to the twenties and doesn't function) and those plugs are not on the wall my new desk sat. At this point, I was ready to either dig a hole into the floor to run an extension cord or punch a hole in the wall to install another wall outlet. However, with the help of a really long cord on my surge protector and a lot of masking tape I managed to snake the cord down one wall, around the corner and back under the desk.

At this point, I was feeling cocky. I had overcome any and all obstacles (okay, minus the light that still is naked) for the weekend. My new computer will have a lovely new home, everything is prepped and ready for it's arrival and all I need to do is clean and organize the clutter I managed to create in every other room of the house (you want a count...living room, closet, kitchen, bathroom [don't ask], bedroom, garage and utility room). Yes, Internet I managed to clean up one room in the house while simultaneously destructing every other available space. All, in the name of organization.

But that wasn't the last glorious moment from this weekend. After a well deserved and leisurely lunch, I stopped at Office Max to peruse the office goodies they had. What caught my eye? Well, I have a file cabinet (inherited) that has no frame on which to hang file folders. (I may want to add a little note here about the wheels for the file cabinets that I cannot attach to the file cabinet because I lack the right hardware....but I won't go there today...although I did go there while in HD.) Imagine my surprise when I found a replacement frame...reasonably priced...to fit securely in my file cabinet. And in that one moment of great American consumerism, I realized that all the pains and mishaps of the weekend could be replaced with this frame, I made the purchase. I know I may not have the house in order but, I will have a place on which to rest my file folders.

The only problem with this ending? Did you guess it? Yep Internet, wrong size...so now I have a stack of things to return to stores and with those returns go my dreams of an easy task to install a new computer. Hopefully when it actually arrives this week, we'll have a happy ending.

This really doesn't help the morning people among us.

2010-06-12T18:53:00.001-05:00

I am not a morning person, and people like myself often get a bad rap for not being perky, upbeat and excited to head out bright and early. We do get perky and upbeat but later in the day, when the rest of the world slows down a bit. Unfortunately, videos like this do not make a case for staying in bed. My plan? Tomorrow morning, I go through the same affirmation that Jessica does....just from the bed, in a deep and delightful slumber!

Freckle Recall

2010-04-19T19:21:00.003-05:00

Today I learned that I have skin cancer which kind of makes your Monday really suck. Good news is it is a basal cell carcinoma which is the least invasive, dangerous type and recovery rates are very high. But this is happening quite fast. I went to the doctor on Friday; today is Monday and that one phone call from my doctor just shifted everything in my life.

I've always been good about medical screenings, and hit the doctor, eye doctor, dentist, acupuncturist, chiropractor and gynecologist on a regular basis. I get regular screenings for everything and ask my doctors lots of questions...but the dermatologist has never been on my list. Call it vanity, but up until about three years ago I never went to get my skin checked out. Considering my very fair skin, light blue eyes and propensity to burn you would think that skin care check ups would be top on my list. But, no they were not. And even when I went for the first time to the doctor, I did not have them conduct a skin cancer screening. Really. Friday was my first and only screening but surely not the last one.

It was vanity a few years ago when I took my first trip the dermatologist, and that same vanity (and a recent birthday) that made me finally schedule another visit. My primary goal was some prescription strength skin care drugs (hello Retina-A). And, on a whim I agreed to a skin cancer screening. Even after the doctor checked me over, I hesitated a bit and finally asked about one errant freckle on my chest. She didn't think anything of it, until I told her it was not there a few months ago. And then, she said she would take it off, just to be on the safe side.

That one little freckle that looked as if had been colored in by a dark brown pen turned out to be cancerous. The scary part is it does not look like any pictures I have ever seen of skin cancer, especially this type. Even the doctor passed it over at first. Truth be told, I've looked at that little guy for months...wondered why he did not look very familiar...but put it out of my mind. I've always been good about using sunscreen on my face, but I've been careless on my neck, back and chest. Now I know that this type of cancer is 100% preventable if you use (and reapply) sunscreen, and take care of your skin.

The universe must have been conspiring because suddenly in the last two weeks I felt very motivated to get an appointment, and have someone else confirm that this little spot was nothing. In my heart, I realize that the appointment for skin care was just a guise to put me face to face with someone who would look at this mark that stood out ever so slightly from the rest of my freckles. Now, I see it was a wise choice even if it makes me stare at marks on my body for days on end...examining each and every freckle.

Next week, I go in for further treatment. When my doctor described my options it was quite a blur. There was something about freezing and burning it off, which would lead to a scar; scooping out the tissue, which would leave a dent; using a cream for 2-3 months daily, which would cause a rash and general scaliness for the duration; or another type of excision which would require two layers of stitching. It seemed a lot to consider until she told me the success rates which ranged from about 80% to 97%. I'm going with the procedure boasting a 97% success rate...two layers of stitches, and a minimal scar.

I know this will not be the last step in this process, and the chance of finding another cancerous spot is quite high. But I do know that I will never go without sunscreen, hats, sunglasses and other protective items again. And you all should adopt the same practice!

Ode to Walter

2010-04-18T23:55:00.004-05:00

Yes, I know he's grown quite attached to me. And I fully acknowledge that I shouldn't be feeding him treats like bananas and tostada shells, but when he shows up and politely knocks on the door, who could really resist this guy?

There was no room at the brunch table

2010-04-07T21:34:00.002-05:00

Who knew that all of Austin was going to participate in celebrating my birthday week. All I know is that it was darn difficult to find a spot for a Sunday brunch for me and about a dozen or so friends. I went through four locations before finding one that was 1) open for regular business 2) available on Sunday and 3) had room for all of us. My favorite rejection was a polite but short note from one restaurant that said they were sorry but they did not have room for me. I wasn't sure if I should be offended, put off...or tickled by the fact that they could not accommodate all the potential merriment of my friends. All I know is that I did find a lovely spot that I think will be the perfect place for some relaxation, love and laughter.

On another note, April always seems to be the month of exceptions and indulgences for me. It's not that hard to twist my arm to splurge or indulge on many things, but boy-o-boy in April I take it to another extreme. Here we are, 7 days in...and this is my shopping spree so far:

Four (oops...actually five) new pairs of shoes. Two fit into the sensible, gotta replace the old pair category. One...kind of fits there, but barely. And the other two really do hit the completely indulgent and unnecessary purchase, but I had to take them home with me.
Two new bras and three sets of panties. Okay, these were technically necessary...but still felt fairly indulgent. If you see me in the near future...take a peek at how well the 'girls' are holding up.
Completely indulgent and pricey skin care peel and exfoliation set from Sephora. I now own more make up and skin care product than I care to reveal...I think it's my new version of a crack-addiction.
Do-hickey device that allows me to play my I-Pod while driving. Haven't quite mastered the knack of finding the clearest FM channel for it...simply because my drives have been so short lately, but I can't wait. One more way to play all my belly dance music (which by last count was close to 4,000 songs....).
More make up from another online store...two types of powder, eyeliner and a fabulous eye brow stencil kit that makes me realize that one of my eye brows is crazily crooked!
New jeans...new tops...
New swim suit
Three new belly dance DVDs
Three pots of herbs for the front porch, plus one big pot of strawberry plants to share with the birds and Walter the raccoon.

We won't count the new red velvet skirt that arrived at the end of last month...nor will we count any future belly dance purchases I have my eye on. What I will count on is a delightful month of indulgences, friends and celebration!

Let the wooing begin

2010-03-16T14:32:00.003-05:00

Up until last week I had a steady relationship with my local Einstein’s deli. We were pretty tight, saw each other at least once a week and it was a fulfilling relationship. I thought was getting my needs met. But last week changed everything. It was a dreary rainy day. Parking and traffic sucked. I was chastised by the manager on duty because I didn’t give her my order properly. (Who knew that naming your bagel first and meat second was such an offense). And, when I got back to my office discovered my turkey sandwich was missing a key ingredient. Turkey.

Now I understand people make mistakes, it happens and even the best businesses fumble on occasion. For me, it’s not about the mistake; it’s about resolving the issue. So I called and they offered me another sandwich and a cookie. I drove over to get sandwich #2, only find out it was inadvertently given to another customer. *sigh* As sandwich #3 was being prepared, my hopes of a happy lunch dwindled when the stringent shift manager displayed indifference and annoyance over my situation. *grumble*

I came back to the office, went online to complain and found their website wouldn’t accept comments. *snarl* Two days later, I finally called and got a direct email to their company’s customer service department. And lo and behold, within minutes I get a sweet letter apologizing and promising me the local manager would contact me directly within 48 hours. I felt special, valued and happy…until…no one called, no one emailed. No contact, no apologies, nothing.

So today, instead of my usual weekly Einstein’s run, I chose another location and headed out to Jason’s Deli. Upon arrival, I felt courted…wooed…adored. I got a free cookie, a coupon for another free cookie, my lunch exactly as I ordered it…and a mint. Don’t know if I’ll patch it up with Einstein’s, we’ll have to see. All I can say is when you start dating around it makes it a lot harder to stay with the same old relationship, especially one that forgets the heart or ‘meat’ of the matter.

Artists Way, Redux

2010-03-02T21:46:00.003-06:00

Last fall I worked my way through the Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. It's an amazing book at process geared towards finding inspiration and discovering (or rediscovering) your inner artist and creative child. I had heard many people talk about how beneficial the book was to them, so I was naturally curious especially since I had been in a creative rut.

And when I made the decision to start the book, magically I found a group on Meetup.com that was starting the book at the same time I had planned. It was a small, but close-knit group and only a handful of us made it through all twelve weeks, but the experience was well worth it. I haven't blogged much about the process because I'm still processing what occurred. I'm not sure if I was looking for a nudge to move a different direction in my life and the book came along or if the book came along and I started to shift. All I know is the book and the process really were transformational. Not in a fireworks, explosive kind of way but in a deep, grounded reality shifting way.

During the twelve week process I became the ad hoc leader of the group, and of the meetup program. In the midst of the process I didn't think much about what would happen beyond December, and apparently I didn't need to make that decision. The Universe had it all planned out. With urgings from several members of the group, I initiated a monthly Artist's Way support group. From that group, a subdivision of individuals also decided to start the book. And in the middle of it all, I'm still the leader and the facilitator.

Instead of feeling like this is another task or drudgery I have to endure, I am really enjoying the process again. Not only of exploring my creative side more fully, but also helping guide others on the same path. Here's my confession, I love to facilitate...and when people trust me to take the lead, I'm good at it. Actually, scratch that....Damn Good and downright inspirational. Tonight we had a group of eighteen amazing, funny, witty creative individuals and two hours with them didn't seem long enough. I laughed so hard I cried (several times) and several comments and stories took my breath away or left me on the verge of tears.

As part of a group exercise, I had everyone write a positive review of their art and read it to each other. It was illuminating, awkward and amazing to hear what people will reveal about themselves when they are given the opportunity to praise versus criticize their own work. We did this exercise as part of a discussion on affirmations. The author has a list of twenty in her book, some of which I struggle to accept or use. There are a few that resonate with me and I think I'll ponder these for a bit:

As I listen to the creator within, I am led.
I am willing to be of service through my creativity.
I am willing to experience my creative energy.

So, why am I sharing this now? Well, I decided to tonight to do the book again...not so much for me, but for the other in the group and what they give me in return. And if I'm lucky I can pass onto others in my life as well.

Feet confessions

2010-03-01T00:32:00.004-06:00

Back in October I was inspired to take a picture of my feet every day for one year and post this on my facebook account. I was out of the gate strong before the holidays, but ever since the new year my feet postings have been erratic. It's an easy process, just snap a picture with my camera phone and email it to myself. The only problem is my lack of recent creative inspiration.

I figured out what was causing the block, it's my lack of shoes. Really, maybe not so much a lack of shoes (you should see my closet) but rather the lack of variety of winter, sensible, warm shoes. And frankly speaking, they are just not that interesting to look at in every picture. So, my option is to either take lots of pictures of bare feet in interesting settings or buy new shoes. I'll let you guess which option I'll be exploring :-)

Extensive Vamping

2010-02-16T14:00:00.007-06:00

Lately at work, I’ve been turned onto Pandora, an internet radio station, which allows you to tailor the music you hear based upon multiple selections. It is part of the Music Genome Project that was started about ten years ago to create a database of music based upon various attributes in songs. I have no doubt this started with a group of engineers, who on the side played in bands, and also had a geeky love of spreadsheets and databases. This project quite possibly was the ultimate wet dream for them. And, for the rest of us it’s a nice way to learn about other artists and music similar in style to those we already enjoy.

You pick an artist or a genre, and then as each song plays you can either rate it, pass on it or move it to another station if it’s not the appropriate mood or style in that moment. So, the more you listen, the more you tailor the music to songs that appeal to you. My favorite little tool is the button that tells you why that song was selected. You have predictable categories such as acoustic rhythm piano, pop rock qualities, and major key tonality. But then there are a few unexpected ones, such as “extensive vamping”.

When I first saw the category I misread it to be “excessive vamping”, which begs many questions by itself. I’ve since learned that vamping is actually a musical term used to describe a repeating musical figure which would make sense for this site. For me, vamping inspires images of a sultry, saucy woman who is actively seducing or entrapping men. It’s got stiletto heels, cleavage and lush red lips written all over it. And, whether or not it’s excessive or extensive vamping, these songs are keeping me quite inspired while typing away on otherwise mundane tasks.

Martial Arts Love Triangle?

2010-01-25T23:35:00.003-06:00

I'm not really the cheating kind. I've never been able to juggle two men at a time and never had the inclination to work at acquiring that skill. I'm very loyal and committed to most everything I love. But, I may be cheating this week...by going back to an ex without telling the current one.

Yep, I'm headed back to my old martial arts Dojo and my original Sensei. And no, I haven't told Tai Chi guy anything about this yet...in fact, I've been a little absent from his class over the last few months. Very mixed feelings, not sure what to expect. But I learned something really important tonight. My old gi pants don't fit...in a really bad, I've eaten way too much kind of way.

Why go back? Well, a good friend and fellow class mate wanted to go back and take their martial conditioning class, which really does kick your butt in a good way. And she convinced me to try it out as well. I do miss the sweating, hitting, kicking and occasional grunting. And I miss the effect on the size of my hips and waist. So, I agreed to go take the conditioning classes only...or that was my original plan.

What I didn't expect was the Dojo's change in schedule and classes that left me with only one alternative...go back to the regular classes. So tomorrow night, I step back onto the mat (although not back into the pants) and we'll see what happens. I still want to take my Tai Chi classes so I'm hoping that the combination of the two will be a nice mix of hard and soft skills, as well as sweating and breathing.

I may be inspired, I may be challenged, and hopefully I'll sweat at the dojo. I may even get to grapple or punch some really big guy. And, who knows, maybe this is the year that I learn to juggle two men...or at least two martial arts classes.

Looking Forward

2010-01-18T15:53:00.016-06:00

Each year I resolve not make New Year's resolutions. I prefer, instead, to think of setting goals for the months ahead. Kind of like taking stock and thinking about you want to order for the spring, summer and into fall. For me, goals are more organic and often beg for re-writing, revising and re-evaluating. Resolutions--not so much. They are, by nature, more rigid, with an official start date (January 1) and the almost inevitable decline that follows.

Last year, some of my goals included writing more, and breaking out of the creative rut I had found myself dwelling in. I started the year off slow, but by mid-summer things began to spiral into control and into focus. It started with a decision to take a sabbatical from Mirage, the dance troupe to which I dedicated a great deal of time and energy. That small step quickly turned into an official resignation from the troupe after eight and a half years of involvement. I made conscious choices to stop over scheduling and over booking myself. Instead, I picked events and performances that kept me more focused and inspired.

I joined an Artist's Way group with the intention of writing more--but much to my delight discovered I wanted to draw, paint and work with pottery. Most of all, I learned to really listen to my inner artist and inner child. I stepped away from people who were negative and sapped my creative juices and instead surrounded myself with people who are enthusiastic, encouraging and inspiring.

A friend of mine said that I've always been able to grow even in rocky soil, but imagine what I could do if I were planted in rich, nurturing, fertile ground instead. Well, I can imagine that now and I see a year ahead filled with joy, inspiration, love and eternal gratitude.

And what are my goals for this year? Quite simple--I plan to take the seeds that the universe planted for me this last fall and winter and watch them bloom!

Law of Attraction

2009-12-20T00:08:00.000-06:00

For each and every clean load of laundry you set on the bed, you can expect a minimum of one cat snuggling into the pile. This certainly explains why I have cat hair on so many things I own. (12/20/09).

Tom Jones = Torture? You be the judge

2009-07-02T18:02:00.004-05:00

In a random conversation today at lunch with some co-workers we were recalling various music icons and heartthrobs of days gone by. Inevitably, Tom Jones entered the conversation. For many my age, Tom was the ‘hottie’ for our parents’ generation. He influenced many women to throw their bras and panties on stage (and probably off –stage) with wild abandon. Tom was briefly on my short list in the early ‘90s when he came out with this song. I was working in retail at the time and heartlessly made my employees play this tape over and over again. I even used it in a fashion show we put on that year. You’ll either fall in love again with him, or cite me for cruel and unusual punishment!

The Demise of Mr. Pig

2009-06-28T20:21:00.005-05:00

After spending a good part of the evening trying to figure out how to open up and operate the car unsuccessfully...

...my little visitors took out their frustrations on a large, painted ceramic pig who used to sit on my porch. How they picked him up and broke him still leaves me curious and a little frightened all at the same time.

Just a stop on their world tour

2009-06-24T21:54:00.005-05:00

Judging by all the flora and fauna around my house, you would think I live way out in the country instead a long, leisurely walk from downtown Austin. I've got tons of birds, squirrels, possums and the inevitable raccoon. All that's missing is a deer or two, which are probably roaming somewhere in this neighborhood.

Once a year, in late spring or early summer I become part of the raccoon tour. I'm not sure how I got on the list, but it seems like the critters have their own version of "map of the stars" and my front porch is a highlight. As part of this tour, a group of baby raccoons learn to forage, scavenge and generally root around my front porch and flower beds. They climb up on the chairs, knock over flower pots, and try to open the windows and front door. The tour only lasts a week, two at most and then they're off to another location.

It is a simultaneously cute and annoying habit and my urge to go scoop them up to cuddle is always quickly overcome by the knowledge of their growls, hisses and sharp claws! So, I sometimes just chat with them (or to them...), or watch and simply enjoy the brief glimpse into their new lives.

Now that the little guys have moved on, I don't hear any strange scratching noises at the door, or thumps in the late evening. Which sounds like a good thing, expect when I do hear noises it means some other part of the wild kingdom has come calling and in most cases nothing as cute as these guys.

Be the Match

2009-06-11T19:29:00.000-05:00

On one of the blogs I started reading:"My very worst date" (yes it has some really funny stories); they printed a story of a couple that has been struggling with the husband's leukemia. The short story mentions he is in desperate need of a bone marrow or stem cell transplant to save his life. It also mentions that from now to June 22, you can join the bone marrow registry for free (there is normally a charge). Their hope is to find 46,000 new donors and maybe one of them can help the husband in this story. It really is a numbers game, the more people, the more possibilities, the greater the likelihood of a match.

Now, I'm registered to donate my organs and my tissue if something were to ever happen to me. It took me years to register for both of these things, not because I wasn't willing but rather because I just didn't take the time. And, I try to donate blood regularly, although I do have a tendency to pass out during the process (it's quite entertaining for everyone involved). I do these things because I know that not everyone will for personal, medical or religious reasons. I'm healthy and happy and very fortunate for the life I have so it makes sense to try and help someone else in need.

I've toyed with registering to donate bone marrow for many years, but for some reason this process scares me more than the other ones. I know...donating organs seems a little rough, but if that happens it won't matter to me because I'll be dead, right? Marrow on the other hand, would not only require more of my time, but also would include some discomfort, pain and potentially a stay in the hospital. And, they would take the marrow out of my hips...which would make for an interesting transplant. I mean, would the recipient feel a need to shimmy after they recovered? And, truth be told although I can tolerate pain fairly well, I'm such a ninny about it.

So, I read the frequently asked questions and other information on the site. In all honesty this did nothing to ease my fears,and maybe increased them. You may or may not get called, you may or may not be tested multiple times, you may have minor complications or major ones, you may never know who the patient is...the list goes on and on. Very factual, very real and not very cheery.

But despite my misgivings, I signed up to get a testing kit which they send to your house (which contains swab for your mouth...not drawing blood at home). If I was ever called, I know I would not feel excited but rather terrified. So why do it, why put myself through the anxiety? It's simple, how could I continue to read stories about people who need a bone marrow transplant and sit idly by...knowing full well I could handle the pain, discomfort and fear? Those of us who are strong and healthy can take the minor bumps in the road. And I can overcome my fears and hope that my actions will help someone else!

In the palm of my hand

2009-06-07T21:44:00.005-05:00

I'm not much for fortune telling, tarot card readings and the like. Although these are fun to do, my practical side always steps in to provide a healthy dose of skepticism. This last weekend at a dance workshop, I won a free palm reading. The last time my palm was read the fortune teller predicted I would find true love with my 7th boyfriend. Since I couldn't decide on the technical definition of 'boyfriend' I didn't want to put much stock in her prediction. I mean, what if #8 was actually #7, or if I was completely off in counting and #7 was that cute guy with the curly hair in elementary school that I kicked in the shin but can't remember his name? It was way too confusing and ambiguous for my liking.

Well, this gentlemen was different. After a rather long history of palmistry; explaining that he doesn't tell fortunes and just reads the physical characteristics of your hand, we finally commenced with the reading. There were several items that did seem to ring true. He said that I was a natural born leader but had a strong artistic streak; I was fairly inflexible (let's just call it stubborn) when I've made up my mind; I'm very concerned about keeping things "fair and square"; and I've had a very healthy life with few injuries and illnesses along the way. He noted that I've had two different paths in my career (which is so true) that have now converged (again true); and that I have recently been working to put my tendencies to lead aside and let my creative, artistic side flourish more...which is also true. He also said I'm very people oriented and get my energy from spending time with others (soooo true).

Some of these things may be good guesses, or generalities, but I thought it was pretty much on the mark. At one point however, he was looking at my life line and said there was something interesting about it, unusual in fact. Apparently I have a second life line running parallel to the first. It starts faintly in the middle and runs through to the end. He said, you may often see it at the beginning of a life line (which represents childhood), but not too frequently in adulthood. My second line seems to start smack dab in the middle.

I thought of my recent interest in martial arts, which works on cultivating your 'chi' or life force energy through your practice. Eastern philosophy says we are all born with a finite amount of chi, and when that tank is empty we die. To prolong life and fight off illness, you build up a reserve of chi, something akin to a second gas tank so you don't quickly deplete the first one. Hearing his comments, I immediately thought this may be evidence of my practice. That is until he explained the name given to this second line.

Today it is called the Mars line, but in the 1800's it had a different name and meaning. It could be considered your guardian angel. Suddenly, I couldn't help but think of my Mother who died nine years ago. It's often hard to believe I have so many more years of my life without her, and wonder if she's keeping track of me and my family. So, despite my skepticism on these arts I'll take his comments to heart. Because, what better place to have proof that my Mother follows me throughout this lifetime than in the palm of my hand.

Household Tip #143

2009-05-31T11:49:00.002-05:00

Sampson provides a gentle reminder of the importance of putting away your groceries after shopping.

Grapes technically are a fruit

2009-05-24T11:12:00.004-05:00

I met my sister and her two kids at the outlet mall in San Marcos for a little lunch and shopping yesterday. It's a tradition that's been going on for about 12 years. While eating, I was discussing the idea of my niece and nephew coming to visit me this summer. My niece had lots of ideas on what to do, and interestingly enough most of them involved me teaching her how to cook.

Now, both kids have a very strong aversion to veggies and fruits, so I was trying to let her know gently that if she comes to visit, and we plan on cooking, that there would be more produce in the meal than meat and starches. Anyone who knows my eating habits also knows that I am crazy, crazy about spinach and use it in obscene amounts almost daily. The conversation however didn't quite go as planned.

Me: Well, if we cook anything you know what I'm going to add to every meal, right?
Niece: Yep, wine.

Hmmmm, not sure if I'll be able to live that one down.

I can leg press two line backers!

2009-05-19T21:42:00.009-05:00

Four hundred fifty-eight pounds baby! That's right, 4-5-8. If I'm ever faced with the opportunity or obstacle of moving a couple of big guys out the way, I could do it. I only need a few minutes to set up the leg press machine, arrange for appropriate supervision and 'bam', I'm there. Granted it would only be for a couple of minutes, but I'm titillated by the idea of it because I never thought I would possess such power.

It's a lot of weight and sometimes I think my trainer Timothy may be lying about the total pounds, but on the off hand chance he's not I'm thinking today that I would like a t-shirt. It should say "I can leg press two line backers" and I believe it should be pink, with some flowers and pretty curly-q's for decoration...and maybe the photo above just for good measure. Apropos right?

A little funk and a little fire

2009-03-30T23:25:00.006-05:00

Okay, I've been in a bit of a funk lately. About my work, my dancing and all sorts of other things. Spring typically triggers this in me and I get this overwhelming desire to change/move/reinvent/create/organize/clean along with the desire to just sit and be still. It's a lot of restless energy to deal with, coupled with an over-active mind that seeks to find a context for it all. So who knows what will happen in the next few months...but I've been having some interesting conversations on the subject. I'll keep you all posted on that.

As a side note, although I know my house and the local HEB are very close to a fire station I did not realize the advantage until last weekend. On a random trip for groceries on a Saturday afternoon I was rewarded with a vision of hunky fire fighters shopping (yes...shopping), and meal planning (okay two were carrying baskets, one went for ice cream and the other one planned). Wow, great smiles, great shoulders, nice tushes and they can cook. Almost made we want to go home and ignite flammable materials just to see them in action. But I didn't...

Second side note, I signed up for a 31 day build a better blog challenge which starts on April 1. It could be a joke, but I won't know until later. So you'll either see much more activity out of me or a really sarcastic note. Possibly both if you're lucky.

Behold, my new-found power!

2009-03-18T17:34:00.001-05:00

The mind is so tricky in how it works. If we tell ourselves something is difficult, it becomes so, if we tell ourselves it is impossible, it never occurs and if we think something will hurt, the pain just starts pouring in.

I’ve been seeing Timothy since last June on a weekly basis. And yes, I pay him for pain each and every time. We laugh, I sweat, (and swear) and each week I go back hoping it will be easier each time but it isn’t…and for good reason. This training program works on the concept that you come in once a week, and Timothy will do everything in his power to exhaust all of your muscles. You don’t do a lot of repetitions and rarely spend more than two minutes on each piece of equipment, and each week he either adds more weight or expects faster repetitions. You don’t get water breaks in between, he doesn’t let you off easy and he almost always make you do plank at the end.

I’ve now developed a love/hate relationship with plank. Often I hope Timothy will get distracted and forget about it. Sometimes he offers me a choice, which makes me feel extremely guilty if I opt out, but I usually think of plank in a non-fluffy/non-happy/non-joyful/non-loving way. I know it has to be done, I know it’s good for me, but don’t make me look forward to the experience! However, today felt different and I was looking forward to plank, in a hopeful, let’s get to know you over drinks kind of way. I was full of optimism, excitement and expectation for the best possible outcome.

Several weeks ago I had a revelation during plank when I was able to let go of the physical pain, quiet my mind and just focus on the task at hand. During the workout today, Timothy kept talking about mind over body…essentially his version of a ‘mushin’ or no-mind philosophy. His pep talk was so inspiring that when it came time to do plank I had that gleam of optimism, that glint of hope that today I could find the ‘sweet spot’ again. Instead of dreading the last few minutes I embraced them, flirted a bit, and even showed a little cleavage for good measure.

And, I blew it out of the water. A gloriously full two minutes in perfect position, with no wobbles, no shaking, just good solid form. And, after a brutal workout that left my arms numb I’m celebrating. Plank, if you were here right now, you’d be getting damn lucky!

Not in a sharing mood

2009-03-04T19:39:00.002-06:00

Dear Austin,

I know you love your parks, especially on a pretty sunny day like today. I too was hoping for a brisk walk through my neighborhood park, followed by practicing my Tai Chi form. In fact, I hadn't decided which of my two locations would be the spot for my martial arts practice, and waited until I had taken one long loop through the park to make that decision. I did not however plan on sharing my space with so many people tonight. Some observations:

For the three young guys at location #1 who appeared to be practicing Aikido, I would suggest a little more time in your Dojo or Dojang. You appeared very uneasy with your skills and not used to practicing in a public setting, you looked a little hot and sweaty in your gis and seemed very distracted by some redhead who appeared miffed that you were in her spot.
For the three elderly folks who arrived at location #2 rght before me, and who appeared to practicing some form of Tai Chi or Chi Gong, I would suggest a little more action and less staring into the bushes. You appeared a little unfocused on your task, dawdled too much and were way too oblivious to the redhead who appeared puzzled that she had lost another spot in which to practice.
For the father at my new location (now #3) who told his son that 'the lady is practicing Tai Chi', I appreciate the commentary and I'm glad you had a general feeling for what I was trying to accomplish. I would state for the record that tripping, stumbling, and losing composure are not trademarks of a good practice. Neither is stomping your feet in the dirt when you forget major sections of your form.

Happy Birthday

2009-03-02T21:41:00.006-06:00

In Texas, March 2nd is a day of celebration for two reasons. First, it's Texas Independence Day, a celebration of Texas' independence from Mexico. If you're a Texas history buff you'll also realize that it's Sam Houston's birthday as well. Sam, in case you don't know him, was the first president of Texas, and a major leader in the the fight for Independence.

For me, March 2 is a much more personal celebration. It's my Mom's birthday, and if she were alive today we would be celebrating her 76th year. It's hard to believe but it's been eight years since she passed away all too suddenly, and although the anniversary of her death has become less emotional for me, the anniversary of her birth seems to become more poignant as each year passes. Perhaps it's because I can't show or tell her how much I love her, I can't plan on a surprise or a present, I can't call to wish her happy birthday. All I can do is miss her...terribly.

So, in the hopes that the Internet has truly reached all corners of our universe, I'm hoping Mom's following along, reading and watching, and today...she knows that I'm still wishing her happy birthday and she knows that I'll always love her even if I didn't say it often enough!

P.S. For those of you who still have your Mothers around...go call them...now. And, send them my love as well.

Returning to center

2009-02-28T22:56:00.003-06:00

Heading into March I hadn't really had time to think about which goal would move front and center for me...up until last week. When the Universe is sending you a message it's helpful if you pay attention. So, without further ado my goal this month is to return to my center, and focus on my martial arts practice. And to keep things simple, I plan on doing my form every day.

In Taiji, we practice a form called the Yang set, which has (I think...) 108 movements divided into three sections. If we practice it at a fairly moderate pace it takes about 15-20 minutes to complete. Every Saturday morning, it's part of class, and in each movement you can learn so much about where you are mentally, physically and even spiritually.

Some days when we do the form, I get lost watching the birds and squirrels and feeling the breeze on my face, or the sun shining down. Sometimes, I get lost in the movement and feel surprised when we're suddenly done despite the feeling that we just got started. It's in this form that I realized my balance was completely shot after dealing with the plantar fascitis in my feet, and learned that you work much harder when you forget to breathe along the way. I also learned that although you may learn the sequence of movements in a short time, it may take a lifetime to explore, experience and master them.

This past weekend my instructor suggested that I come to class and do the form, and nothing else...no push-ups, no other work, just the form. I almost cried at his suggestion, which says a lot. I didn't make it to class and of course, felt guilty until I remembered that he said he would support me regardless of my decision. He did make it clear, that what I needed the most was to return to my practice, return to my breath and return to my center. And, in a world that tells us to sit back and take it easy when we're not feeling well comes his message that we should get up and move, and sweat, and work.

It makes me realize how much I miss being immersed in this art form. I miss my old Dojo, my old Sensei, the kicking, the punching, the sweating and the grappling. I even miss the bruises I'd get on occasion! They were badges of honor, which represented my hard work and determination. Don't get me wrong, I love my classes, and I could spend a lifetime learning from my instructor, the problem is me...I have to find the time to do so.

In focusing on my form every day for this month, I hope to find the time to return to my center, and to find my focus and intention once again.

And I didn't even flinch

2009-02-28T21:28:00.002-06:00

I spent the good part of 2008 trying to overcome a lifetime aversion to the color pink. It's a long sordid story, but I've had issues with that color my entire life. At forty-plus years of age I decided last year to make peace with my demons and although I may not embrace pink, I should learn to accept it.

It was a year of small, quiet triumphs, and deep soul-searching that culminated in a weekend of pure, pink, shock-therapy. I walked away feeling less hostile about the color, but not joyfully embracing it. Until this weekend.

My current purse died an untimely death. The autopsy will probably show too many items shoved into it's generous pockets, or perhaps an over-reliance on the rugged, yet elegant straps. It was the perfect blend of glam and bling, and I didn't want to let it go but I had to come to terms with needing a new purse and soon.

After a week of being house-bound I decided to venture out looking for a purse and on a secondary note a bag for my classes. My class bag has also been showing wear and tear, but I haven't allowed it to die for years. I decided that both bags must go and this was the weekend to lay them to rest. Here's one last photo; their flaws may not be evident on the surface, but I promise structurally they were headed for disaster.

After a fairly short shopping trip I found two bags, in two separate stores. I know, it looks like they were separated at birth...and they may have been. The purse (on the left) is actually larger than my last one, much deeper...but also more narrow. (You can't see her slim figure in this photo). For my class bag, I opted for a more subtle, simple option. The two ladies are making themselves at home this evening, and it seems perfectly natural that I now own a honking-huge electric pink purse. This is girlihood in all it's glory.

And now the brick...

2009-02-28T18:02:00.000-06:00

The universe has a progressive discipline policy in place. You know, similar to three strikes and you're out. First, you get birds singing, a breeze blowing and nature gently sending hints your direction. If you don't pick up on that level of subtlety, it progresses to level two. At this point, you're making notes, telling yourself it's time to pay attention...but maybe not this week, perhaps the next one. You openly acknowledge that the Universe may be sending you messages but you haven't really taken any direct action. Now to level three, the Universe chunks a hefty brick at your head, either knocking you unconscious or leaving you flat on your back. Last week, I got my brick.

Bronchitis...and one week of feeling pitiful in my bed. A week of phlegm, fever, a runny red nose, and a piles of Kleenex everywhere. I've been telling myself for a couple of months that I need to get my health back on track, that I've lost focus, stamina and determination. I've wanted to lose weight, meditate more, get back into running, and fighting (yes...I do mean the kicking and punching kind). I think back to a couple of years ago when I had completed my first triathlon and I felt invincible, charged, strong and ready to conquer the world.

Last week, I even lamented the fact that I don't seem to have as much energy as I used to...and that I needed to go see the acupuncturist, get my allergies back under control and become stronger. And, I put those on my list of things to do...in the near future...right along side the grocery list, the laundry and other petty items. In the process, I ticked off the Universe who decided it was time for a more overt discussion.

I sniffled on Monday, lay sick in bed on Tuesday, but came to work Wednesday morning. After I felt miserable and defeated, I decided to go home...with a side trip to the doctor. I thought it was allergies, which were part of the problem, but the heart of it was acute bronchitis...the contagious kind...the kind that leaves you whimpering on the coach for several days.

And so, on Thursday I went for an acupuncture appointment where I was told that I needed to get my health back on track (it's not too far off though), get more heat going (i.e. cardio) and pay attention to the messages my body and others are sending me. And, on Friday, when I called my martial arts instructor telling him I may not make class on Saturday he also told me to get back on track, find my balance, and return to my practice. Which I will, and quite soon.

Just to clarify

2009-02-28T11:49:00.000-06:00

Since we're talking about cooking...you may have noticed that my choices are not all low-calorie, health conscious, high-fiber, low-fat options. I'd love to work my way into cooking with those items in mind, but the things I can pull together quickly and efficiently are just not meant that way. I mean really, pot roast...it's a big old hunk of meat...and a yummy one at that.

I do need to lose weight this year, I gained quite a bit in 2008 and thankfully because I do work out it doesn't show as much...but I know it's there. The truth is that the idea of cooking often, and cooking uber-healthy is just overwhelming to me. And I don't need anything else to overwhelm me right now. I need simplicity, I need balance, and I need efficiency in my life.

So, I decided the first step was to get away from eating what is convenient and therefore packaged, processed and artificial in many cases to move towards real food. Yes, if we're counting I did make homemade macaroni and cheese and dammit, it was great. Not as good as a salad perhaps, but my version simply had cheese, a little milk, a little flour and butter and macaroni...nothing else. I made a big batch, split it into little ramekins, and froze half of them.

My philosophy is simple. I can control what goes into the food, and cut down on unnecessary items like sugar, salts and the dreaded high-fructose corn syrup that has snuck into so many of our foods. I also feel that my food supply is much more safe, sound and salmonella-proof, although I really would die for a peanut Clif Bar right about now ;-)

I don't know that anyone who knows me would really criticize me on this one, but just in case some random stranger decides to start following my blog and wants to lecture me...watch out, I've got a crock pot and I'm not afraid to use it!

Progress report

2009-02-28T09:02:00.000-06:00

It wouldn't be the end of the month without some type of progress report on my goals. I cooked, and more often than I did in January or any other month for that matter. Here's a brief list of my February accomplishments.

The winners:

Quiches (yes, multiple ones): I managed to make six this month, and they have served me well for breakfast, lunch and dinners. And, I currently have several pieces frozen just in case I go into withdrawal. I honestly don't know why I haven't made more at home before, they're way too easy. My favorite one? Arugula, corn and bacon...with a little blue cheese. The last one I cooked? Spinach, mushrooms and a bit of corn. Every bit as yummy as you can imagine.
Pot roast: I even got out the slow cooker for this one, and included potatoes and carrots in the mix. I probably overcooked the veggies, but the meat was amazing. I don't say this lightly, but I could have eaten bowls of that meat for days on end...literally bowls of it. Major thumbs up, and I'm cooking it again tomorrow, and I don't want to get my hopes up too high but I'm breaking out the bowl!!!
Turkey meatballs: One of my new favorite goodies. The first batch was the most faboo...and with a little marinara sauce, I was in heaven. I thankfully froze half of them (in convenient 4-count bags), which provided me with a slice of heaven on more than one day. The last batch I made included chopped up carrots which added to their wholesomeness.
Potato risotto with sauteed Swiss chard and spinach. Didn't know you could do a risotto with potatoes? Think again. Didn't realize Swiss chard and spinach compliment each other quite nicely, lesson learned!
Kale chips: A little time consuming, but tasty. I may have to give them another try soon (especially since my fridge is teeming with kale at this very moment).
Mashed cauliflower: Yeah, odd concept but actually pretty good. I didn't have the consistency correct (it was a little too chunky), but I did manage to eat all of my cauliflower this month. And, in the process learned it was also a cruciferious veggie to boot...and I always thought you had to be green. Go figure!

Honorable mentions:

Slow roasted pork ribs with Chinese five-spice mix. Good concept, not too thrilled with the pork.
Pork roast: Edible, decent flavor but made me decide I don't like pork as much as I thought.
Braised short ribs: Great potential, but after only one bite I left them sitting on the stove overnight instead of in the fridge. I would consider trying them again, but for the number you buy you don't get much meat...I'll keep looking for more though.
Turkey meatloaf: Turkey in any loaf form is not desirable. Smaller meatballs are however.

Rest in Peace:

Turnips, kohlrabi and extra lettuce that I forgot about. Sorry guys, it just wasn't in the cards.

On the horizon (especially since I'm on a roll):

Portuguese kale soup
Pot roast!!!!!!!
Baked won tons
Homemade granola bars (Official note: Clif Bars is out of my Peanut Toffee Buzz until late April...now I'm forced to make my own creation)
Edamame hummus
Kale pesto (with a yummy recipe for a pizza....)

Could you take a peek?

2009-02-27T22:49:00.001-06:00

The entire month, a part of me has wished someone with a video camera would break into my house for the sole purpose of looking in my fridge. Their hope may have been some sleazy expose on how horribly people eat at home. Maybe there were other episodes showing the dark and moldy side of celebrity lives when you open that one door in the kitchen. I however would be gleeful, giddy and ready for the cameras when they came and opened up my fridge. And, I would just step back and tell them to behold the beauty!

What's an Excel geek to do?

2009-02-27T21:39:00.001-06:00

So, I've spent this last month trying to cook more, and eat out less. Out of curiosity (and possibly boredom) I decided to see if I had maybe saved some money. I've actually used a tracking system set up at my bank called 'My Portfolio'. If you upload all of your accounts (credit cards, etc.) you can then track where you money goes. Pretty simple. So, I decided to compare how much money I spent in January on groceries and dining out versus February.

My hunch was that my dining out bills would have decreased some but my groceries may have gone up. I figured since I didn't stop on the way home to pick up food, and cooked instead the dining out would have decreased. And, since I was experimenting on home cooked goodness, the groceries would have increased.

The result? Dining was almost identical for each month (within $5), but groceries decreased $147 or a whopping 16.9 percent. Which was quite a surprise and a bit of a mystery that I haven't quite figured out...just yet.

And being the closet-Excel-geek that I am, I created bar charts. Pretty ones, in fact, to show the world this revelation. What I didn't factor in is the fact that I have no clue on how to upload charts into the blog. None at all, which makes me a very sad and pathetic spreadsheet addict with nothing to show for all my work. ***sigh***

A mad dash to the finish

2009-02-27T20:19:00.000-06:00

Well it's almost the end of February, and my number of posts this month is dramatically lower than last month. One could argue that since my goal was to consistently blog in January, February was a month to relax and catch up on other things. This month has flown by, and even if we had 30 or 31 days to count, I think it would still feel like the shortest month of the year.

I've spent a large amount of this month in a very introspective mood, which may explain why I haven't been writing as much. There's a lot going on in my head, and in many cases things I'm not willing to put on paper just yet. I didn't forget my February goal however...I just didn't tell you about it. Kind of sneaky, huh???

So, any guesses on which goal won during the month of February???? Not to keep any of you in suspense, but it was #11 on the list, actually a semi-revised version. My goal was to simply cook more at home. Although I still like the idea of bringing my lunch more often, I started out with a very straight forward approach. Eat less pre-packaged, processed foods and just simply cook.

When I was growing up, my sisters and I learned to cook from an early age. In those days, packaged and boxed foods were more expensive and too much of a luxury for our family to afford. So, everything was made from scratch, from pizza sauce and pizza dough to desserts and dinner. As a result, I learned to cook most anything, and in a very improvisational style. For someone who loves to follow recipes, I would drive you crazy because I don't...and I think it's genetic because my entire family is that way.

You create food out of what you have on hand, and if you don't have everything on the list you make do...or make something different. I chose this goal for the month because of all the lovely veggies we've been getting at work through our farm to work program. The weekly supplies of greens and goodies has been a challenge for me to work through, and an opportunity to dust off my cooking skills, stock up on food in the fridge and freezer, do a little meditation in the kitchen...and perhaps channel my mom from time to time. It's been a good month in this regard, and I promise I'll write more on this even if it is a mad dash before the end of the month!

Plank, the Budo way

2009-02-03T22:27:00.003-06:00

Every Tuesday I scurry off during my lunch hour for a little pain, sweat and occasional swearing. Timothy's been serving this up to me since last June and each week seems harder than the last. And yes, I do pay for this...each and every time.

There's something about working out that just does not inspire me. Heading out to a gym by myself never seemed to work, so I decided to go find a personal trainer. I had been given a recommendation for this place, and met Timothy, who's sweetness and charm belies the fact that he'll kill you each session and smile while he does so.

The sessions are short and sweet (less than 30 minutes) and the entire point is to completely fatigue your muscles in a short period of time with slow repetitions of very heavy weights. It's a crazy-tough, beat the crap out of you time, but it's also addictive. You even get used to feeling shaky the entire time you work out, but you do have to be careful when driving away!

He almost always finishes up with plank. In Timothy's world this means that you do plank while he lays a board across your back to check your form and then drops some weights on top of the board. When I first started he said if you're fit you should be able to do two minutes solid. My best time has never been past 70 seconds.

When I mentioned to him that I wanted to get those two minutes down he laughed. Why? Well, in his world, if you can do two minutes of plank at the end of the workout...it wasn't a tough workout. He finishes up with plank to squeeze every last ounce of energy out of your body. Two minutes only works, when you're feeling fresh.

I've done martial arts for a few years now, and they teach the principal of 'no mind' or 'mushin', where you are so present in the moment that you can overcome whatever physical distractions that pop up. Work has been a little stressful lately, and I wanted to just block everything out for a few more minutes during my workout. So, when I hit the plank pose today I dropped everything mentally, including my preconceived ideas of how long I could hold the pose.

And in that moment, I was able to slip into a different place and block everything out, the shakiness in my arms, legs and abs, Timothy counting down the time, and even the burn of the carpet under my elbows. I blew past the minute mark with no inkling of physical discomfort and hit 1:26 before I let go. I really think I could have gone much longer, not because I had energy to burn but because I was successful in telling my brain to let go and just be in the moment.

It felt good, actually great, but I don't plan on telling Timothy quite yet. Internet, let's keep this our little secret for now...

Random update

2009-01-30T22:56:00.003-06:00

Well, my Clif Bars are being shipped directly from the manufacturer (too bad I couldn't do that with the spinach last time). According to UPS they are in Hodgkin's, IL. I could have paid to express ship them, but I didn't want to appear desperate.

Tomorrow is the end of January, and end of my first month of New Year's goals. I'm feeling faintly pressured to pick Miss February, but that is conflicting with my denial that the month of January will be over. I'm not normally that attached to any specific month, let alone January, but I'm not feeling the Feb-groove yet. Maybe tomorrow will be different.

And on a completely different note, I put together the ingredients for a pot roast tonight. The plan is to put it in the slow cooker tomorrow morning, come home from a hard day of dancing and playing and eat some hearty goodness. Since I don't usually use my slow cooker, and the last time I did a pot roast I was living at home (i.e. high school), it must mean that I'm either channeling Betty Crocker or my mother. Either one works for me.

She's just not into me

2009-01-27T22:02:00.005-06:00

I'm never quite sure how to describe Simone. Actual contact between the two of us is few and far between, yet she's lived under my roof for going on four years. Simone just happens to be Sampson's mom, and lived as a feral kitty outside my house. I watched her get knocked up (not literally) three times (Sampson was in the first litter), and with the help of my neighbor found homes for all 11 of her kittens. When I finally caught her, I had her fixed and she hasn't been outside since. And, from what I can tell she has no desire to roam further than the living room or kitchen. She gets along with the other cats, spends an inordinate amount of time snuggling with Sampson, eats my food and lounges on my furniture. The first time she actually allowed me to pet her was last summer. Three years, and all I got was a couple of scratches under the chin. So, although she resides here I have problems claiming her as a 'pet' since it's a word rarely used to describe our interaction.

Last night, I thought we were turning a corner. Normally she runs out of the room or hides when I'm around (the above picture was such a fluke and was taken during a rare moment last year...with the help of the tele-photo setting on my camera). However, I was sitting on the bed ready to go to sleep when I realized she was sitting a couple of feet away, attentively watching me. No fear, no running, just sitting there as if we could have a chat. So I did, chat...that is. And in the midst of talking to the cat that avoids me on every other occasion, I felt accomplished, enamored, excited and optimistic about the possible turn in our relationship.

That is until I realized there was a rather large bug that had been slowly working it's way across the carpet, up the dust ruffle, and along the edge comforter towards me. It wasn't affection at all, just the best entertainment she could find before closing time.

Those darn FDA regulations

2009-01-22T09:00:00.001-06:00

At one point in time it was spinach, and now a peanut product recall. These FDA rulings sure do interfere with my eating habits. The spinach was a bad one, and I really do think I suffered withdrawal on that one. I was the crazy woman in restaurants (particularly Pei Wei) trying to get the staff to just serve me the spinach despite it being recalled. My argument? It wasn't the Texas spinach it was just specific bagged ones. But no luck.

Well apparently another favorite food has been taken away from me for an unknown time: Peanut Toffee Buzz Clif bars. I swear, I live off of these ~~from time to time~~ daily and I'm kicking myself for not stocking up a couple of days ago. I learned this lesson when I stopped on the way home from work yesterday at Whole Foods with the specific purpose of picking up my regular allotment of Naked Juice and Clif Bars.

Do you know what I found????? You guessed it, lots of juice but nothing else! The Clif people issued a voluntary recall of some bars and Whole Foods took that to another level and removed everything remotely associated with peanuts. Normally I would praise a company for taking such a stand to protect consumer safety but in this case couldn't they have waited until I picked up a box or two????

Here's hoping the local HEB isn't on the ball and I can find my stash there.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

2009-01-21T22:48:00.004-06:00

And, I had a list...but I can't find the list. I have a physical scheduled for tomorrow morning and in my geeky, over-enthusiastic manner I always prepare a list of questions and concerns to run through with my doctor. It's nothing pressing, but I figure since I only see him once every couple of years (I'm very low maintenance) I want to get the most out of my visit.

I got home late this evening, rushed to eat something quickly because I was told not to eat after 10:00 p.m. (I'm assuming pacific standard time perhaps???) and now instead of packing for tomorrow's Mirage show I've frustrated myself looking for my list. The list that had at least 7-8 items on it, which is a sharp increase in volume from the last time I saw him. Unfortunately tonight I can only think of one or two things. And no, 'problems with my memory' was not on the sheet.

Here's hoping it will all come to me in my sleep or I may have to just make some things up on the drive over...just so I feel it's worth the trip.

Pillow talk, part two

2009-01-20T22:13:00.000-06:00

Well I spoke too soon...or rather blogged too soon last time. The coveted 'pillow' really is always occupied, and there are apparently complicated rules on when to occupy and not occupy it. Thankfully at night the game stops. I think they figured out it's closing time when the lights go off. Follow along closely...players change every few minutes.

Here's where Matilda points out that possession is nine-tenths of the law.

Calvin returns, clearly annoyed that Matilda is ignoring his seniority.

Calvin stages a coup, but his solitude doesn't last for long. Sampson desperately tries to move in. Sampson really is trying to cuddle though. If he could just climb into Calvin's skin life would be good, because they would be that much closer. Over time Calvin has lost any desire to beat him up and now grudgingly tolerates him, but occasionally whacks him in the face because that's his way of showing the love.

Choose hope

2009-01-20T19:26:00.003-06:00

Someone told me that in life, you can boil everything down to two things: expansion and contraction or more simply, love and fear. Some people constantly move towards love, hope and expansion and others choose to hide behind fear, hate and divisiveness. The last eight years have been such an example, and although today was a day I feared we would never reach I do believe it will take much longer for people to relax, to breathe, and to once again as a country moves towards love and hope.

It's a simple matter of how you view the world, your epistemology, your beliefs, the lens by which you evaluate every detail of the day. I've always been an optimist, I've always looked for reason and rationale, and I am truly happy that as of noon today we now have a President who is grounded, centered and has chosen hope for all of us. I feel I can breathe again (metaphorically at least...it is ceder season in Texas!)

No love lost

2009-01-20T09:00:00.000-06:00

It's not because they love to cuddle or stay close, it's just the pillow. In order to keep my sanity (and clean pillows), I've designated one cat-friendly pillow on the bed. And, for some strange reason, it stays occupied almost all day long. It may be just be the hottest spot in town or perhaps an affection for the 80's (I lay an old velour shirt on top of the pillow), but the cats do not miss an opportunity to sit here, alone. And when I mean alone, it means one cat at a time, not two. It's a rule they enforce, not me. And yes, they literally wait for one to get up and go eat or hit the litter box.

So, I couldn't resist this photo because apparently I caught them in a compromising position. There was no cuddling going on, just sheer stubbornness and the desire to claim their territory. Calvin (the orange tabby) is the elder of the group and usually gets his way. But, he's old and doesn't have much energy any longer. Which has worked to Matida's advantage. She's a little sneaky, capricious and often manipulative. Her shameless, hussy side clearly is at work here.

Prone to fondle kale

2009-01-19T09:00:00.000-06:00

Yes, I'll admit it. I spent part of my time in the grocery store today feeling up the kale selection. I'm not prone to become too intimate with my produce but I found particular delight in being able to recognize and appreciate the various selection of greens they had. Now I've always considered myself to be vegetable and fruit savvy, but the last month has been quite an education. Our office began a farm to work program that basically delivers fresh produce to your office once a week. You get your own farmer, but the catch is you don't get to decide what you'll receive.

The first couple of deliveries were quite funny. I split an order with a co-worker and we usually take our bag of goodies up to a table by my desk and spread everything so we can play the 'name this vegetable game'. It's crazy, but even with a cheat sheet of the names listed on it (provided by our farmer), when you get into all the 'greens' it's darn tough. And, even if you can determine what they are, thinking about how to cook and use them within one week is such a challenge.

Luckily there are several of us in the same boat, and now we exchange recipes at work, chat in the hallways about what we ate the night before and pass new tips on, with the same hushed tones you would if you were disclosing matters of national security. I've learned that freezing is a good thing, and that turnips aren't...in any manner. My last attempt will be to try some type of potato/turnip mash, probably with a lots of cheese. If that fails, they'll be sacrificed for good.

The biggest surprise has been the kale. I've been stumped for a few weeks on it. (and yes I know you could do soup...but I haven't). But just when I was feeling defeated, thinking this was another debacle just like the turnips, like a beacon in the darkness, my friend D sent me this recipe. It's a potato and kale quiche that her family makes regularly. And yes, they are vegetarians which puts them at least one leg up on us, but with lots of good recipes to steal!

I made it this weekend with a few adjustments...which is normal for my cooking. Really, I can't remember the last time I did a recipe exactly the way it is written. For this one, I added spinach and corn and didn't quite have enough milk so I used heavy, unsweetened cream, and an extra egg just for grins. I used several small, unpeeled new potatoes and got tired of dicing them, so I didn't use as many...and my pie pan was not deep dish so I had to stop somewhere.

The verdict? Heaven on earth, absolutely wonderful, tasty and very filling. Which explains why I stopped to fondle the kale today. It's like we had that special connection over the weekend, and I just wanted to cuddle a little more. Wouldn't you?

More than halfway there

2009-01-18T23:00:00.003-06:00

Wow, this month has been flying by and of course, my list of things to accomplish doesn't seem to get any smaller. I will note however, that this month's goal of focusing on consistent blogging does seem to be going well. I may not have done a post every day, but so far (not including this one...) I've posted 14 blogs on this account and another 7 on the Mirage page. Yeah!!!!

I think it helps to not think of this as such a task or chore but rather an opportunity to sit and write some things down. I also learned that writing more than one post at at time really helps. I just schedule them to post and it seems to buy me a few days at a time. My purpose behind setting up these goals was to help establish a habit, something that could be a consistent part of my day, week or month. And right, I'm feeling pretty good that this is one that I can keep up. If you run the numbers, I've already done 21 blogs in a 31 day month. With just a few more I'll be feeling triumphant, perhaps even vindicated, and certainly much more cocky. Internet, watch out!

Such a rude awakening

2009-01-15T20:26:00.003-06:00

I had one of those days where you think things are going well...and then find out they really aren't. (sigh...) There were several notably humbling events, but I'm only willing to share one with you, my dear Internet. (The others? You'll have to wait until you can buy me dinner and pry me with booze.)

I came into work, and patiently waited for the elevator...and waited, and waited. Much to my despair (yes I was wearing heels), I realized the only expedient route was the stairs, all four flights of them...which is like 8 flights but so much worse because they are the stairs from hell. Very steep, cold, and they make you pant. Like a dog.

Now before I was dragging my legs up the last steps, gripping the rail the entire time and pulling my limp body on the floor of my office I thought I was in good shape. I'd like to blame it one the purse, work satchel or even the lovely burgundy pumps but I just couldn't. Now I'm thinking that I'll show those stairs who's the master (one day)...but maybe after I rest my sore tush.

Ahhh, the power

2009-01-13T18:56:00.003-06:00

I'm not a girly girl of sorts, I carry my own bags, know how to operate a variety of power tools, can change a tire and I pump my own gas. I don't come across as the helpless female, and up until this year had major issues with wearing pink.* So imagine my surprise when I became the helpless female.

I was standing in IKEA trying to determine how to move a 100+ pound box onto my cart, when in frustration I stood back, looked around and I think...even sighed a little. Before I had time to blink a man appeared offering to help me. Really, it took mere seconds...and it was like the heavens opened up, a beacon appeared and the nearest man was compelled to answer the call of a woman in distress. He wasn't in the best of shape, he struggled with the box, his wife was standing near-by, but gosh darn it, he wasn't going to leave until the mission was accomplished.

God bless that in men...I'll try my best to use this power for good not evil, but I won't make any guarantees. I will however consider shopping next time in heels and with lots of cleavage showing, just out of curiosity ;-)

*maybe the issues are still there, but they are less glaring.

Is this feature standard on all cars?

2009-01-11T20:43:00.006-06:00

I love it when after two years, you still have the opportunity to discover new features on your vehicle. I learned today that my 'special edition' Nissan can actually sense when it's time to clean out your purse.

Apparently a light comes on when your purse reaches the weight of a small child. And, for the safety your purse and others in the vehicle, the air bags are now disabled. Although the light didn't stay on for the entire ride it was on long enough for me to know. It's like the car was telling me, 'hey, I know you like your roomy, new purse...but dude, this is out of hand".

Just like in the magazines

2009-01-10T09:35:00.001-06:00

The perfect bed, accessorized with the perfect pillows, everything neatly put in place. I see the photos in the magazines and think, who lives there? Even the shabby-chic, uber-casual photos still look way too perfect to be a real space. Where are shoes tossed by the side of the bed, the lingering pet hair that you can't get completely vacuumed up, the handful of kleenex or stack of books that just sit waiting on a side table? You probably couldn't get those things published in a magazine, but gosh darn-it...who has a perfectly organized, decorated bedroom all of the time?

I for one, would like to try...just for one month...to come close. My bedroom is fairly minimal in furnishings, not very roomy, and the biggest mess comes from my unmade bed. If you haven't been following along, I've been listing out the goals I have for this year. Nothing earth shattering, but simply some habits I'd like to create in my life. My plan is to focus on one thing each month, be consistent in following through, in the hopes it will become a habit for me.

I'm sure some things will stick and other will not...but making my bed each morning would be nice. That way, if someone broke into my house and wandered into the bedroom they may mistake it for a magazine set. Or, at a minimum if someone did break in, I could tell if they had slept in my bed. Those three bears knew immediately, because they were meticulous about making their beds...but not so great on the porridge.

Speaking of habits

2009-01-09T09:45:00.004-06:00

My first martial arts Sensei posted this recently on his blog. I know he's probably been talking to students about making it a habit to come to class, to work out, or to work on anything you want in life. I think it is quite prophetic that he choose to start his new year using this poem (author unknown), when I'm off working on developing 12 good habits for the year. I must have picked up on his chi... and based upon the number of other bloggers who've used it this last week (yes, I went googling) or so...they did as well!

Understanding this is better than setting a New Year’s Resolution. January 5, 2009 by Truscott Tristan

I am your constant companion.
I am your greatest asset or heaviest burden.
I will push you up to success or down to disappointment.
I am at your command.
Half the things you do might just as well be turned over to me,for I can do them quickly, correctly, and profitably.
I am easily managed, just be firm with me.
Those who are great, I have made great.
Those who are failures, I have made failures.
I am not a machine, though I work with the precision of amachine and the intelligence of a person.
You can run me for profit, or you can run me for ruin.
Show me how you want it done.
Educate me.
Train me.
Lead me.
Reward me.
And I will then … do it automatically.
I am your servant.
Who am I?
I am a habit.

Lost panties and socks

2009-01-08T10:19:00.001-06:00

If I were wealthy, I would surely hire a maid, full-time...probably live in. Really, it would simplify so much for me. Either that or a cabana boy, which would be much more fun but I'm not sure he would do the laundry...or rather fold and put it up. I do the laundry, quite often, and quite consistently. What I do not do, is fold it and put it away. So, you've guessed it...that is why putting up laundry is #5 on my list of new year's goals.

It wouldn't be such a problem if I didn't have such a love of black clothing. You name it, I've got it, in black. From tops to skirts to pants to t-shirts, everything a to z, including panties and socks. Add to the mix, poor lighting, a lack of storage and sorting space and you've got my ever-constant, ever-elusive hunt for the one article of black clothing that I must have for the day.

No, not that pair of black yoga pants with the flared legs, but the other one with the little white logo. No, I can't use those black socks, I need the other pair and god forbid if I go out of the house with two that are mismatched, even though no-one (and I swear, no-one) would ever know. And as for panties, I have about three pairs of black panties that I love...no, adore! And yes, they get washed every week and you would think I could easily find them...but noooooo I can't. And as for tops, it's the black scoop necked tee, not the vee necked one that will work for today, and life will surely end if I can't wear that top with those pants, panties, socks and bra that I worked so hard for this morning.

Life would be easier if everything was sorted, and hopefully one day this year it will be.

Once more, with intention

2009-01-07T10:06:00.001-06:00

I'll never have the dedication he does, nor match the amount of time each day spent practicing. I can, however, learn to practice on my own, daily, and with intention. I will never be a martial arts master, but I can work at mastering the movements in my practice. At to that end, one of my goals for the year it to practice my martial arts more frequently.

When I took up this practice (almost four years ago) I had no idea of how compelling and life-altering it would be. It has changed the way I look at the world, others and most importantly myself. I have relied upon regular attendance in classes to help me work on technique and remain focused. However, with changes in schedules and the expansion of my belly dance classes, I'm now down to one day of martial arts classes a week...when I started I was taking 3-4 classes a week.

It's disheartening, especially since the greatest conflict is with Mirage practice. I really do feel torn between two things I dearly love. So, I'll try this year to practice more on my own, so that when I do spend time with him, the master, my instructor, I won't be struggling to keep up but rather focused on learning more.

I should fire her

2009-01-06T21:33:00.001-06:00

Pella-inga that is. You see, she hasn't been doing her job correctly. The dishes just pile up in the sink until I have no choice but to don an apron (yes, I do have one), roll up my sleeves and go to work. It doesn't help that I have a large assortment of dishes so I can wait a few days before cleaning things up. So, I've added to my list of new year's goals the goal of doing my dishes, regularly. I know, it's not very sexy or esoteric or psychologically challenging but it is a practical, pro-active step that would simplify things in my house.

For the record, I'm not a slob about this...I just tend to procrastinate until I run out of counter space, which happens very quickly. And, since I am the sole dish-washer of the house, with no automation in site, there are no short cuts. I'm left with good old fashioned scrubbing, rinsing and drying, which is one of my least favorite tasks. So, I put it off as long as possible.

As for Pella-inga the missing maid? Well, according to my mother she is a figment of Swedish fables, a woman who sneaks into your home when you're out and cleans up after you. Every time I see a sink full of dishes, I think of how Pella-inga is falling down on the job...and that I, like my mother should just roll up my sleeves and do the work ourselves.

We're all in our places, with bright shiny faces..

2009-01-05T09:00:00.000-06:00

Is this not the way to start a new day, or new year...or at least a new closet? I'm hoping so. I try on a regular basis to reorganize, sort and purge my closet at least once a year. This last weekend was the event, in case you missed the telecast and here are the results of my endeavor. This happens to be the one and only decent closet in the house, and it looks much bigger in the photos than in reality. One side has all my tops, including a lot of t-shirts that I don't have folding room for in the bedroom. This closet oddly enough it is in the hallway next to the living room, down the hall from the bathroom which is off of the study and kitchen. Needless to say, getting dressed in my house involves a lot of wandering naked or semi-dressed when you include the fact that the panties, bras and sock are in another room altogether!

I had to move out all of my coats and heavy jackets, as well as some dressy dresses that I don't use all too frequently into the two-foot wide closet in my bedroom. It's all one big, intricate puzzle that takes as much time planning out as it does sorting.

This year, I finally relented and moved the shoes back in with everything else. They did occupy the tiny bedroom closet, but it was dark, and just plain inconvenient. I already had the two grid boxes, which are for shoes but I used them for other items...and now, they are back to their original purpose. Just leaves you speechless, right?

And for those of you who know me well, you'll notice that this couldn't possibly be all the shoes I own. I managed to put them in a hanging back on the back of the door. My only dilemma at this point is I have no more room...at all...really. If I find one more pair in the house, I'm screwed.

Not now, I'm meditating

2009-01-04T10:19:00.000-06:00

Maybe not, but I should be. And while we're on the subject I should be breathing more. More often, more deeply, more slowly and with more intent. One the greatest delights and pleasures of my martial arts training was learning how to meditate, and in my current practice I greatly miss doing so. At my old dojo, we stopped as a group to meditate before every class, and some classes were nothing but 30 minutes to an hour of meditation. And although my current instructor expects us to be quiet and mentally prepare for each class when we arrive, we don't actively practice this as a group. And, I miss that experience.

Nothing can replace that moment of quiet, stillness you experience. It really is one of the sweetest things I've known, and doing so at home just doesn't even come close. When I am here I think more about cleaning or chores, or just sitting and relaxing and even if I do sit and try to meditate I'm interrupted. By my thoughts, by noises and by the cats.

They either circle quite close, or try to climb into my lap or sit nearby trying to figure out just what I'm doing (i.e. heavy kitty breathing in the dark). I know that this is an opportunity to go deeper, to focus more, and let go of my surroundings but it doesn't happen. It doesn't happen simply because I do not practice at home. So, I need to make that focus, a goal, an accomplishment for the year. And, I will.

Announcing "Miss January"

2009-01-04T10:08:00.000-06:00

And the winner is...#2! She won me over with her talent portion of the competition, so yes indeedy...my January goal is blogging! And, so far, so good. I'll admit the bar is a little low right now, and it would be easy to just match or beat the number of posts from last year in one fell swoop. I spent so much time last year thinking about blogging, planning to blog and just not doing it.

One primary reason was that the intent of this blog was to talk exclusively about belly dancing in Austin, and focus on Mirage in general. I hesitated on many occasions to post because I wanted to talk about other things, other interests and other ideas. It didn't seem appropriate to use this blog as the vehicle for my thoughts and ideas even though I've been the sole source of information for the troupe. So, my solution? Two blogs.

Yes, let that sink in for a moment. Crazy you may say to the woman who has been unsuccessful with one blog...well, I laugh at that, and you...and myself. So, if you want to hear more about my other life, my other new year's goals and just general stuff, you'll have to join me here. Otherwise, you can stay with me here and I'll do my best to let you in on more belly dance secrets. Of course, you can read both if you really love me ;-)

By the way, if you're wondering why I don't have any belly dance items on my list of goals. That's simple...I don't need a list for the things I'm already doing. For example, I get to practice dance four days a week...for a minimum of 8 hours a week. I am so fortunate to have multiple performance opportunities, and opportunities for workshops and seminars. I also have a wonderful community of belly dance friends, performers, and students to keep me actively engaged, creatively inspired, and delightfully amused. So here's to a wonderful new year of dance and exploration!

Just a recap

2009-01-03T12:33:00.001-06:00

Here's what you may have missed so far:

I have a list of goals for this year.
One of the goals includes blogging (or perhaps regular blogging...or consistent blogging...)
This blog is designed to help me in that process.

One could argue that blogs are just an extension of my own identity and the belly dancer in me and the non-belly dancer are still parts of me and should coexist in one blog. I'll argue that it's not so simple. My motivation behind the Mirage blog is quite different from a goal of telling stories about myself. One is aimed at promoting the troupe, increasing interest, telling stories and giving ourselves a different voice than other dancers. The other, this one, is completely and totally a shameless self-promotion. All of that, just in case you were curious.

The Plan

2009-01-03T12:30:00.000-06:00

I wouldn't be human this time of the year if I didn't sit down and reflect upon the past year and make resolutions for the new one. Personally I've never really liked resolutions, I prefer the term 'goals'. A resolution seems very definitive, with no room for alterations whereas a goal can be modified, changed, and updated. I actually started coming up a with a list of goals in December and had a wonderful pipe dream of posting my equivalent of the '12 days of Christmas' which included my 12 goals and focus for the new year. For those of you who've checked this blog, you'll notice that they never materialized in 2008.

However, here they are, in no particular order. The plan is to work on one thing each month with the hope that it will be a habit, an integral part of my life...or just something I can check off the list. I haven't made a final decision on which one will be the poster child for January, but I have some strong front-runners for that award. I'll keep you posted on which one I choose, along with my explanations for why I chose each of these items for this year. For now, just wish me luck or let me live in my happy oblivion for just a little while longer, that is until the work and chores get the best of me!

Meditate.
Blog.
Do the dishes (more consistently).
Practice my martial arts.
Put up the laundry.
Make my bed.
Take better care of my skin.
Take better care of my feet.
Clean my desk off regularly at work.
Keep in touch with friends and family.
Pack my lunch 1-2 times a week, and cook at home more often.
Manage all my receipts.

But I like them crooked...

2009-01-02T09:18:00.000-06:00

On my last trip to Pei Wei, I went for the first two cookie attempts to find the fortune(s) that I was satisified with. They seemed to speak to each other:

A lifetime of happiness lies ahead of you.
You will get what your heart desires

Perfect for the start of the new year! However, I should have stopped after those two. My third one was less cheery and more puzzling:

Be careful! Straight trees often have crooked roots.

Hmmm, I like both straight and crooked trees. One you admire for it's grace the other for it's character. And, I do believe they all have crooked roots somewhere, it's just nature. Well, maybe I should have either stopped at two cookies...or perhaps gone for four...

Choose your fortune

2009-01-01T20:06:00.004-06:00

Like so many others, I love reading fortune cookies. I do not however subscribe to the belief that there is only one fortune available per dining experience. That may help explain why I love eating at Pei Wei. Although I still deeply mourn the loss of their udon noodles with spinach, I can have as many fortunes (and cookies) as I wish. And in fact, I do.

It usually takes a minimum of two attempts, sometimes three, to get the fortune that I like the most. Or at least the one most apropos for me at the time. Last year my favorite fortune was the one that kept popping up, dish after dish, dinner after dinner. I have a copy at home, at my desk, and in my purse. I'd say it was life's little way of sending me a special message.

Dear Internet...

2009-01-01T19:13:00.000-06:00

I know you think that by now, I've forgotten you...moved on, and found another. Well, I'm here to say that you've always been on my mind even if I haven't shown that by my actions. It's been a busy year, and I admit that I have been busy 'doing' versus 'blogging' and that you've been left behind in the process.

On this first day of the new year, I suggest that we forget past indiscretions and focus on a more fulfilling relationship in 2009. I realize that you've been the victim here, just waiting with nothing else to do...but I promise to make it up to you, invite more people over, I even redecorated a little. So, can we give it another try...pretty please?

Najla

A gentle reminder

2008-04-14T22:30:00.000-05:00

Now that I've figured out how to keep track of various blogs and RSS feeds (yeah Google Reader!), I'm a little obsessed with subscribing to a variety of them. I won't go into too many details, but I am following a martial arts site that has some great practical advice. I loved his last post because I thought, all you have to do is substitute your own belly dance terminology where needed and the conversation would be about dancing versus forms and fighting. Such a great reminder when we are all tempted to go to fast, and forget our own fundamentals! And such a great reason to keep drilling basic movements in class.

Slow down. When I see somebody flying through kata at warp speed I suspect they're trying to conceal something, albeit unconsciously...the real litmus test of expertise is to be found in how well a student performs the most basic exercise taught at the white belt level. Don't be so interested in learning something new - that will come in its own time. Rather perfect the techniques that you're covering right now, no matter how mundane or ordinary they may seem. Remember, the authentic expert is a master of the basics.

If I could turn back time

2008-04-07T23:56:00.000-05:00

By the way, I know I've been a little slow on the blogging the past few weeks. At one point in time it looked like March postings would surpass February (for those of you counting), but gosh darn it...my typing slowed, okay it stopped.

I have lots of lovely show pics to share and some wonderful stories. If I could only set them to appear a few weeks ago, I would look really sharp and on the ball. However, I didn't and I can't so you'll have to just hear about them in the future.

Now, I know you can change the date and time of your blog but that would be deceptive. Maybe not along the same lines as Google's Custom Time Stamp which actually turned out to be an April Fool's joke.

And yes, I believed it at first. I was seriously torn up about the potential deception that could occur with emails but equally intrigued by the idea that I could make up for correspondence omissions. I had just started thinking about what would be my 'ten' emails to send out when I realized it was a joke. And, I was quite ashamed of myself...so no fake dates on the blog from me...consider it my penitence.

Balance shouldn't leave you stressed

2008-04-07T23:31:00.000-05:00

We really can't do it all, have it all and still be happy, content and relaxed. But ohhh, that urge to multi-task runs deep!

So here is an excerpt from an IM conversation with a good friend this evening. We often vent and share snippets of our own daily angst and frustrations, tonight she was bemoaning the fact she can't do everthing.

her: I have always found it hard to balance

me: here's the thing about 'balance', people think it means holding everything in equal proportions or simulataneously. I think it means moving in and out of things so that over a period of time you aren't stuck in one place. It's very fluid, adaptive and subject to change

Perhaps I was having a rare and brilliant moment, maybe the planets did align and the right words flowed from my fingers, maybe it's just something I've been thinking about lately...really and truly thinking, and contemplating. Whatever it is, I think the word 'balance' is over used, a little trite and leaves people feeling stressed and inadequte when they can't juggle everything. I know I feel that way....all too often.

So, let's spend less time thinking about balance and think more about focus, flow, resiliency, fullness and at times, emptyness....

Coriander???????

2008-02-20T23:13:00.000-06:00

Okay, I'm still in the process of reading from this woman's blog (same one with the time of day quiz), and came across the "What Spice are You?". Figuring that I would come up with something sultry and sexy...I tried one more for the evening. Again, go figure!

P.S. I love the part about being subtle ;-)

Your Score: Coriander

You scored 50% intoxication, 50% hotness, 50% complexity, and 75% craziness!

You are Coriander! You're subtle. So subtle that people often forget about you. You are refreshingly clean and rather odd. You're often misunderstood. Your key word is "latent;" all your potential is wrapped up tightly until "BOOM," one day you're cilantro. Funky.

Link: The Which Spice Are You Test

I'm obviously in the wrong time zone

2008-02-20T22:48:00.000-06:00

Okay, I saw this quiz on someone else's blog and thought it would be cute to find out "What time of day I am". This must be some type of karmic joke being played on me:

The additional description is below. Keep in mind, I think coming into the office at 9:00 is early and I normally eat my breakfast in the car.

You're 6:49 a.m.
You're the time of day right around sunrise, when the sky is still a pale bluish gray. The streets are empty, and the grass and leaves are a little bit sparkly with dew. You are the sound of a few chirpy birds outside the window. You are quiet, peaceful, and contemplative. If you move slowly, it's not because you're lazy ? it's because you know there's no reason to rush. You move like a relaxed cat, pausing for deep stretches that make your muscles feel alive. You are long sips of tea or coffee (out of a mug that's held with both hands) that slowly warm your insides just as the sun is brightening the sky.

Obligatory Promise to Blog

2008-01-16T17:13:00.000-06:00

I have absolutely no doubt that among all the New Year’s Resolutions running rampant in this universe that somewhere among the top ten list is a promise to be more consistent with blogging. I’m not saying it tops the ‘lose weight’, ‘get new job’, ‘new relationship’ promises that always bubble up within each of us…I just want to acknowledge that I’m not the only one out there feeling the need to publicly make this promise.

I started my blog in September, feeling all fresh and rejuvenated from a summer hiatus from belly dancing. I had such grand aspirations, and a lovely list of topics to pull from. The problem I realize is that list…I have come to the conclusion that lists don’t work in blogging world. Why you ask? Well think about it. Blogs are supposed to be train of thought, on-line journaling…they should be spontaneous, sporadic, unrehearsed and certainly not planned out in a systematic fashion. Hence my downfall.

So, I decided to look for inspiration and found it in a couple of sources. First, in several blogs that are well maintained by friends. Wow, I admire their tenacity and dedication…and my competitive side also says if they can do…I can do it more often and better, right????? The second came from a simple Google search. Being the ultimate researcher that I am, I thought I would go look for some tips and tools to help out. (Side note, I really am good at finding things on the Internet…I have even had librarians call me to help locate information).

What I found was actually a little scary and has now sent me scampering to start blogging again. These are the highlights from the article.

It’s easy to start a blog. But effort and consistency are required to
maintain one.
After starting it, a blog wants to be maintained. It wants fresh posts or articles. It wants it often. And not just anything will do; it wants things people like to read.
Without fresh content, a blog gets stale. It whithers. It becomes another statistic.

My thoughts? Well , it turns out I am one of their statistics! Apparently, 66% of blogs (out of over 4 million reviewed) had not been updated in two months and that over a million were one-day wonders. Wow, I last posted in October…but at least, I lasted more than one day!

So, here we go again…I’m letting go of the need to write well planned articles complete with appropriate links and photos and just use train of thought. With any luck, I’ll have something very soon for everyone to look at and a whole semester’s worth of fabulous belly dancing tidbits to enjoy!

Breakin' Boards for Belly Dance?

2007-10-14T22:43:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I have to first apologize for the length of time between my last post and this one. It's not that I don't have things to write about (I actually have a lovely list of topics); it's that I probably have too many things to write about, and haven’t spent the time to sit and write. I do promise to catch everyone up, and share all sorts of belly dance goodies; however, for this post...we're going to take a little detour. Now, you may be wondering what boards and belly dance have to do with each other, but sit tight and I'll explain.

You see, last week I broke a board with my bare hand for the second time in my life (and no, I don't have a problem with anger management). The first time was a terrifying, overwhelming experience laced with the very real fear (in my mind at least) of breaking my hand. I consider myself to be fairly tough, but let's be realistic...compare your hand with all its little bones to a very solid looking 3/4" pine board, and you'll understand my trepidation. (As a side note, Sherry, the Engineer in our troupe told me afterwards that the bending strength of that board was between 900 and 1500 pounds per square inch, yikes!)

It actually took me several tries and lots of reassurance to crack that puppy, but I did it for the first time last December and the photo is my memento of the event. In fact, I still have a hard time believing I actually did it! I broke that board, not because I was testing for some martial arts belt exam or even just trying to show off my fabulous punches (which by the way, are much less girly than they used to be). The whole board breaking process was an exercise in understanding how our mind creates obstacles, and if we can trust our bodies to be in proper alignment, grounded and centered than one punch is all it takes to split that board.

Now, I don't encourage anyone to actually attempt this without proper supervision and training (hint...use a really well trained martial arts instructor) but there are some great lessons to learn that do apply to belly dance.

Both dancing and martial arts require you to be grounded, centered, aligned, relaxed and resilient. If you’re lucky you have the experience of feeling totally alive and connected with your body and your surroundings while dancing or moving through a form. It’s when the music resonates within your body, your movements and motions are simply the expression of those beats and that energy, and you just surrender to the moment and dance. The audience and the stage simply melt away, there are no distractions or hesitations, and you feel 100% present to the moment.

Martial arts’ training focuses on being present to the sensations of your body, and connecting. In dancing we often spend a great deal of time focusing on technique or movement or speed, but sometimes we forget about the intention, the feeling, the movement and the utter joy. When I learned that I would have to break another board last week, there was no anxiety, fear or trepidation. Just like the familiar feeling when the music and your movements melt together, the notion of slamming my palm into the board seemed very matter of fact (although I still needed expert supervision).

And the lesson learned? For me, it is practicing the basics, your fundamentals, the core of your movement whether it is dance or martial arts. Beyond that practice, you have to let go, surrender, release, and trust. So, I encourage all of you who dance (or those who just watch) to allow yourselves to be present to the moment, let go of fears and anxieties, relax, connect and above all else…breathe.

By the way, if you want to see more martial arts and belly dance, come watch our show this Thursday. We have live music with Sonya and Belaharr, lot's of fabulous dancing, and I'll be trying to practice what I'm preaching here (wish me luck!)

Starting out

2006-04-13T23:02:00.001-05:00

Well, here I am once again putting something else on my plate...even though I have a million other things to do and work on. So, this may be really short and sweet today with the goal of expanding on it later on. I think the primary purpose for considering a blog is to find a vehicle by which I can keep people caught up with my life and maybe in the process catch myself up as well.

So, what I have I been up to lately...well that's a tricky question. I would say it's the usual but I certainly realize that what is normal/typical/usual for me may be a little out of the ordinary for others. In a nutshell I'm still belly dancing (both performing and teaching), working hard, practicing martial arts and trying to figure out how I'll be truly ready to compete in the Danskin Triathalon (my first time at this) in June.

I'll try to keep you all posted on what I'm doing, and anything else exciting or just plain silly that I can think of. Take care and I'll talk with everyone soon,

Love Chris